Nesting parties ask us to re-think the way that we celebrate new parents and challenge us to focus on what the expecting parents need. It’s really less of a party and more of an opportunity to provide the family help.
Unlike baby showers, “Nesting parties shift the focus from stuff to support to help families prepare their homes and hearts for life with a new baby,” explains Lara Elfstrand, the pediatric sleep practitioner of Little Elf Family Services.
As the marriage apocalypse warrior (also known as the awesome, differentiating, behavior-changing ninja), I help couples to fight against behaviors that predict the end: (left to right) contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.
Three of the top skills of a value driven professional—a person who excels in their workplace—are: they know how to de escalate drama; they know how to accept feedback as a gift, and they know the right way to engage in conflict (according to Donald Miller in his book Business Made Simple). And you know what? Those are skills that I teach in my coaching and in my Gottman Bringing Baby Home classes. They're also skills that make for a great parent and that help us to have a more peaceful, nurturing postpartum period.
Routines have been a fundamental part of my life since I got married (25 years ago!) and especially during times when I’ve had a young child and/or a dog at home (the last 16+ years). Here are some of my favorite sources of my favorite routines. The challenging part is to not try to do them all at once! Pick one or two to start with! Break things into small pieces, and if you need some support, read out to me and let’s chat!
Remember DEER:
Drink water
Eat something nutritious
Exercise
Rest
DEER: Drink water, Eat something nutritious, Exercise, and Rest. I learned this acronym from GriefShare, and I use it pretty much all the time. I ask my body: Body, what do you need next? Do you need some water, food, movement, or rest? Then I read Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Dr. Elisa Song, and she calls it the “5 Things Challenge” for gut health. Part II of the book is: Create microbiome magic with the 5 things your child does every day: hydrate, nourish (what we eat or don’t eat), move, breathe, and prioritize sleep. Can you see how these 5 things are exactly the same 5 things as DEER? Rest is just broken down into two pieces: breathing and prioritizing sleep!
Once the DEER basics are in place, I would take a look at relationship routines. For that I would go to the Gottman Institute for the 6 hours a week to a better relationship. While 6 hours seems like a lot, many of them are things that take less than 10 minutes a day, and truthfully you are probably doing many of them without even realizing it. For example, we can create routines for kissing hello and goodbye to our partner or for giving long hugs to our kids. We can create routines for physical affection, for the “how was your day?” conversation, and for expressing appreciation and fondness to one another. The key is to turn them from unconscious and inconsistent to conscious and growing in consistency.
To me, routines are important because they help us to break tasks into smaller pieces and reduce overwhelm. One of the first ways that I learned to do this is with FlyLady.net way back as a newlywed. She says “I can do anything for 15 minutes!” I tend to say “I can do anything for 3 minutes!” but the concept is the same. Her work was influential for me to learn to reduce perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and to do one baby step at a time.
At Little Elf Family Services, I believe that parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Families thrive when they feel supported, equipped, and empowered, and my work is designed to help parents move from exhaustion and frustration to confidence and joy.
As a sleep consultant, marriage and parenting coach, and early childhood special educator, I blend evidence-based strategies with compassionate support. My approach draws from experts like John & Julie Gottman, Bruce Perry, Stewart Brown, Brené Brown, and Dan Siegel, helping families find solutions that align with their values and unique needs.
Parenting can feel overwhelming, but struggle and confrontation don’t have to be the norm. Clients often express relief when they realize they don’t have to panic over each new challenge. Instead, they learn to approach problems with a steady, thoughtful perspective, making small shifts that create lasting positive change.
“We knew we didn't need to panic when facing a new problem as you would be there, guiding us.”
“We’re also constantly amazed by how your parenting philosophy has minimized confrontation and struggle, and allowed us to focus on the happy and joyful moments that our child brings us.”
I provide resources, guidance, and encouragement—but the real magic happens when families take those tools and make them their own. My work isn’t about fixing families; it’s about helping them find their own strengths and rhythm.
"She won’t do the work for you—but she will give you resources, tools, and support to do it yourself. And she will be cheering you on every step of the way.”
From gentle start-up conversations (a Gottman-based approach that reduces conflict) to completing stress cycles (so parents don’t carry frustration day after day), my work is rooted in strategies that make a real difference. Laughter, connection, and small, consistent changes help families shift from surviving to thriving.
"We are better parents, a better couple, and better people for knowing her and having worked with her."
Whether you’re navigating infant sleep, toddler emotions, or the ups and downs of parenting, my goal is to help you feel rested, connected, and confident—so you can focus on what truly matters: the joyful moments in family life.
**This post was created by ChatGPT to summarize my work and includes real testimonials from real people that I have served. I love it and it fits me beautifully, so I am sharing it here.
Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster!
While we are on the topic of breathing, here are some other breathing strategies that I recommend to my clients often:
Kira Willey’s Mindful Moments for Kids
Conscious Discipline breathing exercises for kids and parents (YouTube playlist)
While researching for this blog post, I also found this cute puffer fish that goes up and down as you breathe and I kind of love it!
Also I love to remind parents that blowing bubbles is an awesome way to practice breathing! Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster! Can you blow bubbles with belly breathing? Just know that shaking bubbles or waving the wand inside of the bubble solution will make the solution get foamy and stop working.
Reminder: Why practice breathing with your kids? It builds calm. It tells the brain that they are safe, which can help them to think more clearly and make better decisions. It can help to reduce cortisol, which can be helpful as part of a pre-sleep routine to help prepare the body for rest and shut off from a busy day. It also helps with gut health, according to Dr. Elisa Song of the book Healthy Kids, Happy Kids.
My favorite sleep teacher, Charlie Elfstrand, even though I have certainly learned a lot from the human variety as well!
Lot of times people ask me about sleep training and “cry it out” methods, and I think that what is happening in my house right now is a great example of my beliefs and strategies as of March 2025. Keep in mind that I am scheduled to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (based on years of attachment research) in April 2025, so please stay tuned to see if or how that changes things!. From what I can tell so far, this fits really nicely.
TLDR: I am focused on coregulation, creating a sense of DEEP calm in my body that I can spread through singing and presence, observation of how much stimulation is helpful (or not!), and use a custom approach based on the individual.
On Friday night I decided to resume doing sleep training with Charlie. When I say that, here’s what I mean.
I am stretching his self-soothing muscles by creating a calm deep inside my body and focusing on spreading that calm while also noticing how much stimulation and attention is helpful and how much is unhelpful. Yesterday was a calmer day for us than other recent days, so I figured that he had more capacity for practicing. Also the quality of the barking had a sad sound to it that said he was tired and was fighting sleep and wanted to be with me, maybe didn’t want to sleep, but it didn’t sound like he was afraid or scared or panicing.
Here are my notes from last night:
I put on some ridiculously soothing music that is singing about things like “love is here now” and “let the water wash away your tears, let the fire burn away your fears.” (A HUGE thank you to Alexia Chellun for her musical contribution to our success tonight!) I am singing along to it the best as I can (imperfect is more than fine! He does not care!). I put one hand on my chest and the other on my belly so that I can focus on taking deep, soothing belly breaths (attempting not to move my chest hand with my breath but to feel the warmth of my hand there and to feel the breath in my diaphragm/in my belly). I am rocking and soothing myself to create a ridiculously soothing, confident environment. I am closing my eyes so that he is not able to engage with me, and because it lets me focus on the feeling of my hand on my chest and of being enveloped by the soothing sounds of the music. The crate is covered on 3 sides, and the pen around it also is covered. So he can come out of the crate and maybe see the top of my head to know that I am here with him, but the stimulation level is low. And little by little I am moving away from the crate. As I make sounds, he is getting up again, but each time he is settling a little bit faster than the time before. To me, it feels right. It feels like a level of challenge that is not too easy but not too overwhelming. He got practice at the crate and at soothing himself to sleep, but with an environment that is as peaceful and confident as I can absolutely possibly make it. And he has now had 3 weeks of supplements so I know that his nutrition is improving. Now we will see if I can start to move around the kitchen and do the dishes.
I wasn’t “responding” with words or with eye contact or even visual contact, but I was responding by spreading my calm presence. I was saying “You’re ok”— not by saying “you’re ok” but by spreading my calm.
Morning Update: Charlie went out for an evening potty break around 9 PM and took a long time to settle back into sleep afterwards. His final bark was around 11 PM. Again, the barks didn’t sound like panic but of struggle to sleep. He is strengthening his settling muscle. And again, I used belly breathing as a way to calm him. In fact, I did my evening stretches as a way to wind myself down for sleep but I chose to do them in the living room so that I would be close enough to the crate so that he could know that I was with him (but not so close that he would be too distracted trying to get my attention)..
Afternoon Update: The noise sensitivity is real. And T Berry Brazelton used to say that development is not linear, and that is definitely proving to be true. We had a great morning with a nice walk and plenty of interaction time. Then I put him down for an afternoon nap. It was the first in-the-crate afternoon nap in weeks. Again, he seemed at first to settle easily. But then I would make a noise and he would come back out of the crate to see what I was doing. Then he was starting to settle, and it happened again. I tried to do my stretch video, but this time he could see me and he isn’t as familiar with that music. No go. He was getting more worked up, not less. All needs were met and my goal was and is to spread calm. I decided to take a shower. In the past, showering in the shower next to the crate has been calming. And I was right. He calmed down to the sound of the water. (Sadly, so far when I have tried water sounds on the iPad or sound machine, it didn’t work the same way! Still brainstorming there). Yet again he got up when the shower turned off. But as I got out of the shower, he was able to settle. And I decided to be as quiet as possible, because after all of those starts and stops I think he just needed a chance to actually settle without being interrupted. His “settling muscle” had been strengthened enough for one nap! So I sneaked quietly across the hall to my office to write this blog. He stayed asleep until my hubby got home, and then he slept on his bed next to my computer for a bit until he heard another noise.
Consider gut health and looking for ways to improve things like hydration; intake of fruits, veggies, meats, and fermented foods; reducing things like pesticides and food colorings and food additives; exercise; using breathing as a way to calm and de-stress and to create a positive, calm mood worth spreading
Consider how you can take a “stress break” and make the day as soothing as possible. If possible, choose a day when the stress levels have been lower than other days.
Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate (credit: Dr. Bruce Perry). The timing of when Charlie goes into the crate is pretty predictable: he has an afternoon nap and a time that he sleeps at night. And today before he went into the crate, I reviewed the plan with him. I literally told him that within the next half hour he was going to go into the crate, then I was going to close the door and sing to him while he went to sleep, and then I would come back for him before he needs his dinner. I am reading his cues to figure out how to give him as many choices as I can come up with that still allow him to get his sleep and me to be able to get my needs met too. And I am looking for ways to make the self-soothing practice a moderate level of challenge: not too easy but also not letting him bark and loose his mind for hours. In the end, he was calm more than he was upset even though the process has taken sometimes a couple of hours as he is settling and then getting up and then settling again.
Consider how to soothe yourself and create a spa-like environment for sleep'
Consider how to keep then level of stimulation low with lots of opportunities to know that they are loved and safe but very few opportunities for interaction when it’s time to actually start sleeping.
What lullabies do you know that sing about love and belonging and peace and acceptance? Are there songs that make YOU feel safe and loved and confident and peaceful? For some ideas, check out my pre-sleep playlist.
I’ve been reading Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman et al., and I signed up to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (coming up in April!). As I learn more about Circle of Security, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what it means to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. To me, this method of sleep training fits with that because it is focused on finding the “just right challenge”, spreading calm, and being with Charlie as he works to figure it out… yet stepping back when it seems like that’s what he needs. Stay tuned for more information about Circle of Security and attachment!
Have a trip coming up with your children? Here are some things to keep in mind to keep everyone feeling rested and getting along!
First, set aside some time before the trip to make a plan. See if you can find out what the space will be like where you are traveling. Are there options that would allow each person to have their own space? If you’re traveling to an event, what are the options for quiet? Consider your child’s personality and needs. What are key elements of their routine and of their sleep space that you can re-create in the new environment? (This is a great topic to create “Family Meeting Magic”. To get started, download my free PDF now which will get you signed up to hear more about my upcoming parenting summit!)
According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s “Three Ways to Sleep Like a Pro Athlete”, “For each time zone you travel through, it will take one day for your body to adjust your circadian rhythm to your new location. So, if you cross three time zones on a coast-to-coast flight, you’ll need three days to adjust.” So keep that in mind as you are planning your time.
1) How much sleep does each child typically get during the day? How long do they tend to be able to stay awake happily? Is there a way that you can re-create the amount of daytime sleep, the amount of nighttime sleep, and the amount of time that they are awake during the day, even if the schedule itself changes a bit?
2) What are the options for getting in some sunlight or time outdoors during the day? See if you can explore your options.
3) What are your options for getting in some physical movement or fun exercise while you are away? Can you have a morning dance party? Can you walk or hike or swim?
If you can, leave time to wind down from the busy day! Try to keep your bedtime routine as close to normal as you can. Bring the things from home that you can easily pack. Make a list as part of your family pre-meeting! Do your kids benefit from a bath before bed? A story? Some quiet music?
“Crashing into bed to try to hit eight hours of sleep may not be helpful if your body is still stressed or full of energy. If you get seven and a half hours of sleep and use those 30 minutes to wind down by listening to a podcast, reading a book, or doing any calming activity – that break might just be more beneficial than rushing to bed and struggling to fall asleep” (Three ways to sleep like a pro athelete). For example, I found that my deep sleep scores on my Apple Watch were looking really low. Then last night I did a 15 minute stretch to quiet, soothing music before bed and my deep sleep scores more than doubled! That’s just one person over the course of a few nights, but it’s something to keep in mind as you prepare for your trip!
Other nighttime strategies to remember:
Keep the room cool, dark, and quiet
Can you bring some white noise? What can you do to support the sound environment for each person?
Can you turn off screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime or at least make sure that your blue light filtering is working effectively on those screens?
I’m always thinking about “What are the things I can control? And what are the things I can’t control and need to let go of?” The serenity prayer: Give me peace to accept the things I can’t change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. With some planning, you can help everyone to feel more rested and advocate for the needs of you and your child. And then your mission is to relax and go with the flow for the rest. Enjoy your travels!
Center for Pediatric Sleep Management
www.sleepeducation.org from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine: Best ways to improve sleep without medication and Three Ways to Sleep like a Pro Athlete.
*“Okay, everybody, listen up—because I need you to understand how incredible Lara is.
Absolute legend. Total rockstar of a human. She’s like a walking, talking hug—except way smarter and with better advice. Seriously, if you’ve got a problem, she’ll solve it with science, love, and probably some magical fairy dust.
She’s basically a wizard. You got a kid who won’t sleep? She’ll fix it. A toddler with big feelings? She’s got you. A couple trying to keep their marriage strong while raising little chaos gremlins? She’s got strategies for days.
She knows everything about sleep—like, scientifically. She’s certified up the wazoo and customizes everything for every family, whether their kid is neurotypical or has unique challenges. And connection? Oh my God, she is the queen of helping families actually enjoy each other. She’s trained in all this brainy, therapeutic stuff, she teaches people how to massage their babies (which, by the way, is ADORABLE), and she literally helps parents not lose their minds.
But thriving? That’s her secret sauce. She’s got the degrees, the credentials, and the biggest heart. She knows how to break down overwhelming parenting stuff into tiny, manageable steps, and she’ll remind you that you’re doing better than you think.
Basically, she’s out here making the world a better, more rested, more connected place, one family at a time. If you don’t know her, you’re missing out. If you do, congratulations, you’ve already won at life. Cheers to her!”*
According to ChatGPT, this is what my drunk best friend would say about me and my business. I like it! 🤣
This morning when I woke up, I was struggling to figure out how to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my larger tribe. I have been thinking on this for months, but honestly perfectionism got the best of me. Yet the celebration and the self compassion that I was looking for was waiting for me at just the right time!
One of my mentors, Stasia Savasuk, sent this out this morning and it feels like the perfect way to share Valentine’s Day with all of my people. And if you are reading this right now and WANT to be one of my people, please include yourself!
Stasia says:
Instead of waiting around for someone to LOVE YOU ENOUGH today, I invite you to FEEL THE LOVE that's already alive inside of you.
And when I say "feel the love," I really mean FEEL THE LOVE. As in, WHERE do you feel the love inside your body? What does it FEEL LIKE? How does FEELING THE LOVE make you feel?
I'm not gonna leave you to your imagination here. I'm going to WALK YOU THROUGH exactly how to do this.
I know you're busy. But today of ALL THE DAYS, you are worthy of the 6 minutes it's gonna take to watch this video, and fill yourself with love, from the inside out.
LOVE is a resource you have inside of you. Something you can draw up anytime you need it.
I know you know how to do that. Because if you're anything like me (human!), you can draw up the most dramatic worst-case-scenerios in the world like it's your full time job––and FEEL THEM for days!
Same mechanism. You're just drawing up a GOOD MEMORY, not a shitty one.
After you watch the video, if you’re willing, share what memory came to mind for you!
Then follow Stasia on Instagram or sign up for her email list on her website.
(Email shared with Stasia’s permission.)
Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.
One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.
Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel
Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:
Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.
Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.
Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.
Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.
At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.
Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash
Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:
I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.
But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.
Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.
Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.
Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.
Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.
Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.
For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.
Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.
Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.
Nesting parties ask us to re-think the way that we celebrate new parents and challenge us to focus on what the expecting parents need. It’s really less of a party and more of an opportunity to provide the family help.
Unlike baby showers, “Nesting parties shift the focus from stuff to support to help families prepare their homes and hearts for life with a new baby,” explains Lara Elfstrand, the pediatric sleep practitioner of Little Elf Family Services.
As I’m getting into the groove of things in the new year, I’m excited to look forward to what is ahead in 2025. Three things that I’m focusing on for 2025: celebration, self compassion, and guts.
A huge focus for this upcoming year is to really focus on celebrating wins. I’ve created a wall themed with ocean animal themed Post-it notes where I am writing down daily things that I am celebrating, such as:
a child whose iron levels were low, and taking supplements is helping him to feel more calm and able to manage when he hears the word no.
a child whose pom-pom jar is filling up because of all the good things that he is doing during the day (focusing on what we want more of by focusing on the good things rather than on the bad ones!)
siblings who used to bite each other every day and it went down to only once in the last month
A child who received the Slumberkins yak for Christmas with two books about making mistakes and being enough. He loves them and is being reminded regularly that he is enough even when he makes mistakes.
A testimonial from a mom who says “I needed support on finding strategies to help my son sleep better. I felt like I had tried everything and nothing was working. My fear at the time was that my son was never going to go to sleep early or sleep through the night. At that time I thought I had tried everything with my son but you provided us with more tools. The suggestion of the weighted (vest before bed) and magnesium powder were the things that stuck. The vest helped regulate and tire my son out a little before bed and the magnesium powder has gotten him to sleep throughout the night. I appreciated you always being eager to find ways to help. We accomplished my son and I getting a better nights sleep. With better sleep comes better days for both of us. I feel great and relieved that we found something that works for my son. You also gave me an understanding that not every night will be the same but no matter what to always keep trying.”
Another testimonial from a mom who says “I was feeling pretty good about how we were managing our family life overall but we hit a major snag with bedtime. My daughters (ages 5 and 2.5) were getting out of bed repeatedly after we put them down and riling each other up in their shared bedroom. It made for a chaotic end to days that were sometimes already stressful and I was worried that my girls weren't getting enough sleep. We eventually got our five year old accustomed to settling down at night but our almost-three-year-old was still struggling. That's when I decided to reach out to Lara. Lara had a wide variety of tips and tricks we could try. A few I heard before as a parent who has been in the sleep struggle trenches before but many that were new to me as well. I was excited to try them out and see which ones worked for us. When Lara suggested letting my daughter listen to recorded stories at night as she drifted off to sleep that stuck in my head as something that would likely work for her. My hunch was correct and while she still may need a couple additional supports to settle on some nights it has largely been extremely successful and our evenings have been much calmer as a result. (After working together, I feel) great and I am keeping my notes handy from our talks to refer to later in case we need to try other strategies in the future.”
A number of families who don’t need to see me anymore because they are sleeping better and no longer need me! Woot woot!
These are awesome wins, but not everything in life is a win. Therefore, my second focus for 2025 is:
Ya know, losing a kid is hard.
Caring for an anxious rescued dog is hard! Keeping him out of the emergency room is hard! Teaching him that the world is a safe place is hard some days! Finding help that is congruent with my values and supportive of me as a person has been WAY harder than I hoped it would be! I have been SHOCKED!
Running a business is hard! Learning to do discovery calls in a way that is effective but doesn’t feel pushy or salesy is hard! I am passionate about selling prevention, and it’s HARD! Honestly people usually aren’t that passionate about preventing problems that they can’t feel. And in order to teach people concepts that can change their lives and their marriages and help them to sleep better, I need to be able to sell my classes and services. I need to sell enough to be able to cover my expenses, and honestly I would like to build an abundant business that does more than just cover basic expenses while also serving people at a variety of income levels and in a way that feels congruent and equitable (blog post coming soon!). All of that is hard.
I just got an email from one of my mentors, Stasia Savasuk, that “the key is not to measure SUCCESS by outcomes, but by our faithfulness to the labor”. And as you know, I am a lover of all things improv, and celebrating failure is a key component of improv and therefore of my life!
So this is a year for celebrating the wins and showing myself self compassion for the losses, continuing to be faithful to the labor.
I have been faithful to the labor. I sold my first Gottman Bringing Baby Home class on October 3, 2016, so it’s been over 8 years of business learning so far. Over 100 families have taken Bringing Baby Home from me as of January 2025. And in all things, there will be wins and losses. At the end of 2023, I was not at all sure that I could keep this business going. Yet in 2024, I supported over 100 families to feel more rested, connected and thriving. Finally as we start 2025, I have a steady flow of clients and am starting to get more regular referrals.
I am creating a world in which parents are experts in their children, and they trust that they can come to me to build their toolbox and to work collaboratively and with respect. I have largely shifted to focusing on sleep support rather than preventing relationship problems, although I am happy to support relationships anytime I get the chance.
This year I am focusing on helping families to feel rested, connected, and thriving, and that feels really really good. The outcomes are starting to happen, but either way I am celebrating faithfulness to the labor and self compassion while also focusing on guts: my guts, Charlie’s guts, and my clients’ guts.
The theme of gut health is showing up in all sorts of places in my life. I am doing gut health support with Oshi Health for my endometriosis. My dog Charlie is doing gut health support to help with his behavior (test results are still pending, but his poop successfully made it through customs to the testing company in the UK!), and then he’s signed up with the Shouty Barky Dog Lady to look for hidden pain. At the end of 2024, I completed my pediatric sleep certification with Palm Pediatric, and a core principle is the link between gut health and sleep (and everything else!).
The gut is our second brain. “Our gut is home to over 100 trillion microscopic organisms. In recent years, emerging science has made significant strides in understanding the role these gut microbes play in our and our children’s overall health—and it’s more significant than you might realize. Our children’s gut microbiome is responsible for not just how our kids digest and absorb food but also how their immune systems function; how they think, feel, and behave; and even how their genes work for or against them!” Excerpt From Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Elisa Song M.D.
Our gut health influences our behavior, our attention, our sleep — everything! What fascinates me too is that during my grief classes years ago, I learned about the importance of DEER: drink water, eat something nutritious, exercise, and rest. And now I am reading Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Elisa Song, MD. What does she say influences gut health? Drink water (hydrate), eat something nutritious (nourish), exercise (move), and rest (breathe and prioritize sleep).
Recently I was talking to a dear friend about DEER (ha!), and her response was that it sounded overwhelming to have to do all those things all the time. As part of my self compassion mission, I’ve been listening to the audiobook for Meditations for Mortals, and I thought that it addressed this beautifully:
“Treat your to-do list as a menu. In the striving-towards-sanity mindset, a to-do list is always something you’ve got to get to the end of before you’re allowed to relax. But in any context where there are more things that feel like they need doing than there’s time available in which to do them – which is the normal state of affairs, after all – a to-do list is by definition really a menu, a list of tasks to pick from, rather than to get through. And operating from sanity means treating it that way: starting with the acknowledgment that you won’t complete everything you might wish, then making your selections from the menu. Obviously, not every task on every to-do list will be as appetizing as the restaurant analogy suggests. But it’s surprising how many things do become more appetizing once you’re encountering them not as chores you have to plow through, but as options you get to pick.” (excerpt From Meditations for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman.) I encourage you that when you pause to decide what you are going to do next, consider using a menu mentality that includes DEER on your list of options, and listen to your body as you pick something from the list! And what might be something from the DEER menu that would benefit someone else in your family?
So this year I am focused on choosing from a menu that includes celebration, self compassion, and guts (including drinking water, eating something nutritious, exercising, and resting). What are you focusing on this year? Who is up for joining me on the celebration, self compassion, and guts journey?
“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
This powerful quote resonated with me deeply during a recent cross-country trip with my sister, where we listened to Brené Brown’s audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability. It made me reflect on my own experiences with loss and how I navigate sympathy and empathy.
On our road trip in September, my sister and I listened to Brené talk about sympathy versus empathy. I got super triggered just hearing her talk about sympathy because I experience it all the time and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to be pitied for my loss. It feels awful. I don’t want to be someone who is pitied all the time. Yes, losing my child was and is painful. It sucked more than any other experience I have had. But I don’t want pity. I don’t want “your loss is the worst thing imaginable.” I mean, for one thing I know that in every pregnancy there are 3 babies: the perfect baby, the feared baby, and the real baby. And my baby was completely all 3: absolutely perfect, absolutely feared, and absolutely real.
The truth is that most of us experience loss at some point in our lives. Children grow up. They don’t stay little. Even if my son were still alive, he wouldn’t be a baby anymore. If he had been born healthy, he would be driving now! He would almost certainly be taller than me! And it wouldn’t be long before he would be thinking about moving out on his own.
So if I don’t want pity, what do I want instead?
“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown,Daring Greatly
I want to honor what I’ve lost by honoring what you have, by empowering you to live an awesome life! When you live a life that is healthy, joyful, and filled with strong relationships, I feel meaning and joy. I want to create a community that is a safe space where we do the hard things together. We
imperfectly take care of our mental and physical health
Prioritize empathy and do the work it takes to practice it
Prioritize our relationships and learn skills to nurture them and to manage the inevitable conflicts
Honor what you have. We take care of parents and we take care of kids and we take care of ourselves, because honestly we have to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others.
“You cannot claim to care about children and shame mothers for the choices they are making.” Brené Brown
You honor what I’ve lost when you are respectful of other parents even when you don’t agree with their choices.
Children learn what they live. My goal is to help children grow well by helping adults to do the work and the play to feel nurtured and playful and peaceful and to create community that is respectful and nurturing and empathetic. And when we mess up, we apologize and are held accountable.
In my community we listen to mentors such as Brené Brown and John and Julie Gottman and John Medina and Stuart Brown.
When I do something that blesses you, remember this:
“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown,Daring Greatly
Please don’t pity my loss. Instead:
Express gratitude or affection to your partner or your kid
Tell people you love what you love about them
Take care of your physical and mental health by drinking water, moving your body in a way that feels good, eating nutritious foods, or doing a meditation or a hypnosis or some journaling.
Make laughter a priority.
Share with other people how my support has helped you.
Create rituals of love and connection in your family by talking about your day and providing opportunities to be seen and heard without advice.
Imagine a world where strengths shine, play fuels learning, and parents are trusted as experts. Let's build this world together!
The world I want to live in focused on strengths over deficits. It is focused not only on what is going wrong, but it focuses more often on what is going right. In the world that I want to live in, we have rules for children that are based on the behaviors that we do want rather than the ones that we don’t want.
In this world, we do not look at developmental charts of what a child should be doing at a certain age. We figure out where a child is at right now in this moment and what is the next step in their development. We look at what is motivating to the child, and we use those motivators to inspire learning. It uses a growth mindset and breaks tasks into small, doable pieces.
The world I want to live in is playful. In their book Bright from the Start, Stamm and Spencer say “the critical link between play and learning – the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it – is pleasure.”
In my world, we value parents as being the experts in their family and in their children. We encourage and inspire them to be the people that know their children best and we value their opinion about what will work for their child. We create a culture that inspires people to get to know their child well, and to continue to get to know them as they change over time.
In the world that I want to live in, people know that it isn’t fair to expect someone to think clearly when their lid is flipped. And we all work together to help each other to manage our lid flipping experiences, and we build calming rituals for those tough moments.
Dear Charlie (a letter to my fur baby: dreams of the world I want to create),
I want you to know how much I love you. I want my words and especially my actions to make you feel safe. I am here to help you to feel safe and loved so that you can think more clearly, learn more effectively, and generally have more FUN.
I know that sometimes it’s hard for you because I work from home and I spend time on the computer talking to my clients, but I also know that working from home gives me the ability to be here with you WAY more than I would have been able to otherwise. You have no idea the sacrifices that we are making to help you to learn to feel safe and loved and to grow in independence—the dog sitters, the white noise, the inability to leave the house, the expenses of new gates and fences, your special diet. It’s all SO expensive and time consuming.
Sometimes we get frustrated because you used to be so well crate trained, and we miss the freedom to be able to come and go while you took a nap. Sometimes I get frustrated, because I really need to be able to get on the elliptical machine once a day in order to function at my best, and we both know that that has been hard sometimes. It’s so overstimulating for you, and probably it has increased your anxiety, but it’s something that really makes a difference for my ability to be a good mom to you.
And even though you don’t always like to just hang out while I am on my computer, it means a lot to me to be able to work from home. It means a lot to me when I hear that a parent got a compliment from another parent on their parenting, or when a parent tells me that their child told them to take some breaths like the monster (from the Sesame Street Breathe, Think, Do app that I regularly recommend).
And even though you don’t like it, when I take videos of you and watch them afterwards, it helps me to get to know you and to figure out your body language so that I can know how to respond to you more accurately so that in the long run, I will be able to help you to truly feel safe and loved more of the time. And even though you don’t like it that Daddy and I go out of the house, I wish there were a way to truly tell you and show you what a difference it makes. We need our time once a week when we can just connect as humans. And we need our time once a week to look at the calendar and talk about what we need for that week. When we do that, we end up having less moments where you are hiding behind the couch because you are afraid of our upset-ness.
So here we go. We are experimenting with your medications to find one that can help you to feel a good mixture of calm but more able to learn and interested in food and play. The last few days of having you without any anxiety medications has made me realize how much less you were getting into dangerous things when you were medicated. So while I don’t think that medication is for everybody, I am hoping that we can find a combination that is helpful for you and helps to keep you safe.
Together, we are learning. We are learning how to block out things that you might be afraid of. We are keeping strangers off the porch. Our home sounds like we live right near the ocean, with the wave sounds echo throughout the whole house on all the HomePods everywhere!
We are having our dates and our weekly family meetings so that we can have a home where you don’t feel like you have to go hiding behind the sofa quite so often. And we are making you a “safe space” where you can go when you do just need a space of your own to be calm and quiet.
And I am working with my clients so that they, too, can build homes where they and their kids feel supported and safe. Together we are building good “mood spread”.
I am still hoping that at some point I can get your attention to show you that video of the border collie who won the recent agility competition. I am not a competitive person and don’t really care about winning so much, but the look on that dog’s face is just PURE JOY. I tear up watching it just because of how happy that dog must be to be that fast. I wish that for you, too, sweet boy. I hope that together we can find you some activities that really and truly light you up. I want to see that big smile on your face and your eyes light up with pleasure. “The critical link between play and learning—the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it—is pleasure” (Stamm & Spencer: Bright From the Start).
Here’s to joy, sweet boy!
With love, Mama (Lara)
Stress. We’ve all got it. We sometimes prefer to ignore it. Our bodies need a way to manage it so that it doesn’t make us sick—either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Lately I’ve been working with my coaching clients on the concept of completing stress cycles. What that means is that we need to tell our bodies that the stress is done. So for example, if we were our ancestors who were out in the woods and we were being chased by a lion, we could fight the lion, we could run away from the lion (fight or flight), or if the lion really is going to get us, we could freeze and play dead and hope that the lion goes elsewhere. So our stress response system generally goes into fight, flight, or freeze. If we conquer that lion and either fight them or run away and we escape, we run back to our tribe. We jump up and down. We can big hugs and we tell our bodies that we feel safe. Whew! The danger is over!
But in the society that we live in today, most of the dangers are not like being chased like a lion. Most of them are things that are pervasive and more long lasting. And so we need more intentional ways that we complete the stress cycle by telling our bodies that we are safe. So on one hand, we need to deal with the actual stress or the thing that caused the stress. And on the other hand, we need to deal with our body that we really are safe. We need to do that on a daily basis, because the stress is going to build up on a daily basis. We need some routines that can help to reduce that stress and manage it and complete the stress cycle.
The most powerful way to complete stress cycles for most people is going to be exercise about 30 to 60 minutes of exercise at a level that raises your heart rate. If that doesn't work for you for some reason, some other options to think about are to experiment with things like:
breathing strategies,
meditation,
affection,
a six second kiss with someone that you love and have a trusting and safe relationship with,
a 20 second hug—long enough for you to feel that melting feeling
go take your dog for a walk or go on a walk by yourself. If you take your dog for a walk, maybe you get both affection AND exercise. The book doesn't talk about sunlight being good, but my understanding is that sunlight can also be something that can help to complete the stress cycle.
And interestingly, being nice to other people and having a positive social interaction can help to complete the stress cycle. Just going to your local coffee shop and saying, good day to the person who serves you, your coffee is another one.
Laughter is another one. That is a great way to complete the stress cycle because we can't be all stressed and in fight or flight and be laughing a good, really amazing belly laugh at the same time. I really recommend something like an improv class if you're up for it. Improv strategies are great for helping us to really celebrate failure and mistakes and to listen to each other. They're just great relationship tools and they make you laugh so much. So that's one that's also not in the book, but it's one that brings laughter.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to look at the list above, think about the things that are mentioned that can help to complete the stress cycle and to plan it into your day.
Laughter
Physical affection
Breathing
Meditation
Physical exercise.
How can you get those on a daily basis? This is important, because the stress is going to come, and it needs to be kicked out!
Thanks to Emily & Amelia’s book Burnout for this illuminating concept!
To learn more, read:
Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.
Hey there, friend! Welcome to an exciting journey where we'll delve into enriching your relationship and embracing the incredible adventure of parenthood. The Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program is your golden ticket to creating a strong and loving foundation for your family. In this heart-to-heart chat, we're going to explore where this program came from, its fantastic benefits, and what you can expect as you embark on this life-changing adventure.
**The Gottman Institute: Your Relationship's Best Friend**
Meet the Gottman Institute, fondly known as the "crazy researcher people." For nearly five decades, they've been on a mission to unravel the mysteries of marriage and parenting. Through their dedication to research, they've uncovered the secrets to nurturing lasting, healthy relationships. And guess what? They're absolutely thrilled to share this treasure trove of wisdom with couples like us around the world, all in the name of promoting love and well-being in our relationships.
**Understanding the Transition to Parenthood**
Now, let's talk about something we can all relate to—parenthood. It's a transformative experience, but it can also bring its fair share of surprises and challenges. According to the Gottman Institute, around two-thirds of couples experience increased hostility after welcoming a new baby into their lives. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, and those extra responsibilities can strain even the strongest relationships. But here's the bright side: the Bringing Baby Home Program is here to help. It's been proven to reduce hostility and supercharge relationship satisfaction. And get this, babies of parents who've taken the program cry less, smile more, and become little communication wizards.
**The Fishbowl Analogy: A Unique Perspective**
Imagine your family as a fishbowl, with the water symbolizing the mental health and relationship quality of you and your partner. Just as fish thrive in clean water, children flourish in a healthy relationship environment. The program equips you with all the right tools to maintain that crystal-clear water, ensuring your little ones grow up in a nurturing and loving family. It fosters fondness, affection, appreciation, and a stronger connection with your children and partner.
**Program Details and Format: Learning with a Dash of Fun**
The Bringing Baby Home Program is tailor-made for couples from pregnancy through those early preschool years. It's not your typical class; it's a delightful mix of lectures, videos, interactive exercises, and heartfelt discussions. You'll explore concepts as a group and enjoy private exercises as a couple, creating a safe space for open communication.
**Creating a Fair and Stress-Free Family**
This program isn't just about creating a fair division of labor; it's about ensuring both parents actively participate in caring for your bundle of joy. It's your toolkit for managing stress effectively, working as a team, and setting your family up for a lifetime of success. Whether your relationship is sailing smoothly or navigating a few bumps, the program can help strengthen your bonds and enhance your satisfaction.
**Meet Lara Elfstrand: Your Guide and Cheerleader**
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lara Elfstrand, the friendly face guiding you through this transformative journey. I am a pro with a background in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. I’m a certified in infant massage, a sleep consultant, and a true advocate for families. What’s my secret sauce? Emphasizing the importance of repetition and fun in the learning process.
**Conclusion: A Journey to Family Bliss**
Your family is your most priceless treasure, and the health of your family is indeed wealth. Children thrive when their parents thrive, and you are worth every investment in your family's well-being. Consider this: What is your current stress level costing you in terms of the precious moments you could be sharing with your loved ones?
The Bringing Baby Home Program is your opportunity to prioritize your family's happiness and ensure that stress doesn't overshadow the joy of parenting. By joining this program, you're investing in a future where you can relish every moment spent with your partner and children. It's a chance to break free from the cycle of stress and create a harmonious and nurturing family environment.
Your family's well-being is worth more than any amount of money. Take the leap, invest in yourself, and unlock the potential for abundant love, happiness, and connection within your family. Sign up for the Bringing Baby Home Program today, and let's embark on this transformative journey together.
Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023
#BringingBabyHome #ParentingJourney #HealthyRelationships #FamilyAbundance
**The Gottman Institute: Pioneers in Relationship Research**
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a creation of none other than the brilliant minds at the Gottman Institute. At Little Elf Family Services, we affectionately refer to them as the "crazy researcher people" who have spent nearly five decades delving into the intricacies of marriage and parenting. Imagine all the wisdom they've accumulated in that time! Our mission is to bring their remarkable discoveries to you and tailor them to your unique needs.
**Unveiling the Gottman Institute's Magic**
The Gottman Institute has truly revolutionized the world of marriage research. They've uncovered the secrets behind what makes relationships thrive and what can lead them astray. Thanks to their groundbreaking work, we now possess the tools to make your relationship warmer, stronger, and healthier. They're all about helping couples like you build and sustain love and well-being in your relationships.
**Let's Dive into Program Details**
Here's the juicy part: the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work welcomes couples of all ages. It's perfect for new couples who want to set the stage for a solid foundation. And guess what? It's equally fantastic for seasoned couples who want to keep the spark alive. And it’s amazing for people who are divorced and starting a new relationship who don’t want to repeat the mistakes they made in the past. Think of it this way: why not be a couple that learns relationship tools before hitting a rough patch? We're all human, and challenges are part of the journey. But knowing how to handle them constructively is the key.
**Meet Your Guide: Lara Elfstrand**
Now, let's talk about your tour guide on this incredible journey – Lara Elfstrand. She’s not your run-of-the-mill educator; she’s a pro in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. She’s also a certified infant massage guru and a sleep consultant. Her passion lies in creating a nurturing and joyful family environment. And she firmly believes that learning should be fun, and the best lessons are the ones we repeat.
What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services
**In a Nutshell**
So, in a nutshell, if you're looking for a transformation that brings abundance, stress management, a rock-solid team, and long-lasting happiness into your family, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is tailor-made for you. Join us on this incredible journey to fortify your relationship and create a thriving, loving family.
Ready to hop on board? Sign up for the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work today, and let's embark on this adventure together.
Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023
#HealthyMarriage #RelationshipMagic #LoveAndAbundance 💫❤️
Resources:
©Lara Elfstrand, MA ECSE, IF-ATMHP - Little Elf Family Services, P.O. Box 5098, Auburn, CA 95604
