Imagine a world focused on strengths, playful learning, and empowered parents. Let's create it together.

Imagine a world where strengths shine, play fuels learning, and parents are trusted as experts. Let's build this world together!

The world I want to live in focused on strengths over deficits. It is focused not only on what is going wrong, but it focuses more often on what is going right. In the world that I want to live in, we have rules for children that are based on the behaviors that we do want rather than the ones that we don’t want.

In this world, we do not look at developmental charts of what a child should be doing at a certain age. We figure out where a child is at right now in this moment and what is the next step in their development. We look at what is motivating to the child, and we use those motivators to inspire learning. It uses a growth mindset and breaks tasks into small, doable pieces.

The world I want to live in is playful. In their book Bright from the Start, Stamm and Spencer say “the critical link between play and learning – the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it – is pleasure.”

In my world, we value parents as being the experts in their family and in their children. We encourage and inspire them to be the people that know their children best and we value their opinion about what will work for their child. We create a culture that inspires people to get to know their child well, and to continue to get to know them as they change over time.

In the world that I want to live in, people know that it isn’t fair to expect someone to think clearly when their lid is flipped. And we all work together to help each other to manage our lid flipping experiences, and we build calming rituals for those tough moments.

Dear Charlie (a letter to my fur baby): Dreams of the world I want to create

Dear Charlie (a letter to my fur baby: dreams of the world I want to create),

I want you to know how much I love you.  I want my words and especially my actions to make you feel safe.  I am here to help you to feel safe and loved so that you can think more clearly, learn more effectively, and generally have more FUN.

I know that sometimes it’s hard for you because I work from home and I spend time on the computer talking to my clients, but I also know that working from home gives me the ability to be here with you WAY more than I would have been able to otherwise.  You have no idea the sacrifices that we are making to help you to learn to feel safe and loved and to grow in independence—the dog sitters, the white noise, the inability to leave the house, the expenses of new gates and fences, your special diet.  It’s all SO expensive and time consuming.

Sometimes we get frustrated because you used to be so well crate trained, and we miss the freedom to be able to come and go while you took a nap.  Sometimes I get frustrated, because I really need to be able to get on the elliptical machine once a day in order to function at my best, and we both know that that has been hard sometimes.  It’s so overstimulating for you, and probably it has increased your anxiety, but it’s something that really makes a difference for my ability to be a good mom to you.

And even though you don’t always like to just hang out while I am on my computer, it means a lot to me to be able to work from home.  It means a lot to me when I hear that a parent got a compliment from another parent on their parenting, or when a parent tells me that their child told them to take some breaths like the monster (from the Sesame Street Breathe, Think, Do app that I regularly recommend).

And even though you don’t like it, when I take videos of you and watch them afterwards, it helps me to get to know you and to figure out your body language so that I can know how to respond to you more accurately so that in the long run, I will be able to help you to truly feel safe and loved more of the time.  And even though you don’t like it that Daddy and I go out of the house, I wish there were a way to truly tell you and show you what a difference it makes.  We need our time once a week when we can just connect as humans.  And we need our time once a week to look at the calendar and talk about what we need for that week.  When we do that, we end up having less moments where you are hiding behind the couch because you are afraid of our upset-ness.

So here we go.  We are experimenting with your medications to find one that can help you to feel a good mixture of calm but more able to learn and interested in food and play.  The last few days of having you without any anxiety medications has made me realize how much less you were getting into dangerous things when you were medicated.  So while I don’t think that medication is for everybody, I am hoping that we can find a combination that is helpful for you and helps to keep you safe.

Together, we are learning.  We are learning how to block out things that you might be afraid of. We are keeping strangers off the porch.  Our home sounds like we live right near the ocean, with the wave sounds echo throughout the whole house on all the HomePods everywhere!

We are having our dates and our weekly family meetings so that we can have a home where you don’t feel like you have to go hiding behind the sofa quite so often.  And we are making you a “safe space” where you can go when you do just need a space of your own to be calm and quiet.

And I am working with my clients so that they, too, can build homes where they and their kids feel supported and safe.  Together we are building good “mood spread”.

I am still hoping that at some point I can get your attention to show you that video of the border collie who won the recent agility competition.  I am not a competitive person and don’t really care about winning so much, but the look on that dog’s face is just PURE JOY.  I tear up watching it just because of how happy that dog must be to be that fast.  I wish that for you, too, sweet boy.  I hope that together we can find you some activities that really and truly light you up.  I want to see that big smile on your face and your eyes light up with pleasure.  “The critical link between play and learning—the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it—is pleasure” (Stamm & Spencer: Bright From the Start).

Here’s to joy, sweet boy!

With love, Mama (Lara)

Strategies for managing stress part 1: completing stress cycles

Stress. We’ve all got it. We sometimes prefer to ignore it. Our bodies need a way to manage it so that it doesn’t make us sick—either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Lately I’ve been working with my coaching clients on the concept of completing stress cycles. What that means is that we need to tell our bodies that the stress is done. So for example, if we were our ancestors who were out in the woods and we were being chased by a lion, we could fight the lion, we could run away from the lion (fight or flight), or if the lion really is going to get us, we could freeze and play dead and hope that the lion goes elsewhere. So our stress response system generally goes into fight, flight, or freeze. If we conquer that lion and either fight them or run away and we escape, we run back to our tribe. We jump up and down. We can big hugs and we tell our bodies that we feel safe. Whew! The danger is over!

But in the society that we live in today, most of the dangers are not like being chased like a lion. Most of them are things that are pervasive and more long lasting. And so we need more intentional ways that we complete the stress cycle by telling our bodies that we are safe. So on one hand, we need to deal with the actual stress or the thing that caused the stress. And on the other hand, we need to deal with our body that we really are safe. We need to do that on a daily basis, because the stress is going to build up on a daily basis. We need some routines that can help to reduce that stress and manage it and complete the stress cycle.

The most powerful way to complete stress cycles for most people is going to be exercise about 30 to 60 minutes of exercise at a level that raises your heart rate. If that doesn't work for you for some reason, some other options to think about are to experiment with things like:

• breathing strategies,

• meditation,

• affection,

• a six second kiss with someone that you love and have a trusting and safe relationship with,

• a 20 second hug—long enough for you to feel that melting feeling

• go take your dog for a walk or go on a walk by yourself. If you take your dog for a walk, maybe you get both affection AND exercise. The book doesn't talk about sunlight being good, but my understanding is that sunlight can also be something that can help to complete the stress cycle.

• And interestingly, being nice to other people and having a positive social interaction can help to complete the stress cycle. Just going to your local coffee shop and saying, good day to the person who serves you, your coffee is another one.

• Laughter is another one. That is a great way to complete the stress cycle because we can't be all stressed and in fight or flight and be laughing a good, really amazing belly laugh at the same time. I really recommend something like an improv class if you're up for it. Improv strategies are great for helping us to really celebrate failure and mistakes and to listen to each other. They're just great relationship tools and they make you laugh so much. So that's one that's also not in the book, but it's one that brings laughter.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to look at the list above, think about the things that are mentioned that can help to complete the stress cycle and to plan it into your day.

• Laughter

• Physical affection

• Breathing

• Meditation

• Physical exercise.

How can you get those on a daily basis? This is important, because the stress is going to come, and it needs to be kicked out!

Thanks to Emily & Amelia’s book Burnout for this illuminating concept!

Find this video on YouTube.

To learn more, read:

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.

What to expect at a Gottman Bringing Baby Home class at Little Elf Family Services.

Hey there, friend! Welcome to an exciting journey where we'll delve into enriching your relationship and embracing the incredible adventure of parenthood. The Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program is your golden ticket to creating a strong and loving foundation for your family. In this heart-to-heart chat, we're going to explore where this program came from, its fantastic benefits, and what you can expect as you embark on this life-changing adventure.

**The Gottman Institute: Your Relationship's Best Friend**

Meet the Gottman Institute, fondly known as the "crazy researcher people." For nearly five decades, they've been on a mission to unravel the mysteries of marriage and parenting. Through their dedication to research, they've uncovered the secrets to nurturing lasting, healthy relationships. And guess what? They're absolutely thrilled to share this treasure trove of wisdom with couples like us around the world, all in the name of promoting love and well-being in our relationships.

**Understanding the Transition to Parenthood**

Now, let's talk about something we can all relate to—parenthood. It's a transformative experience, but it can also bring its fair share of surprises and challenges. According to the Gottman Institute, around two-thirds of couples experience increased hostility after welcoming a new baby into their lives. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, and those extra responsibilities can strain even the strongest relationships. But here's the bright side: the Bringing Baby Home Program is here to help. It's been proven to reduce hostility and supercharge relationship satisfaction. And get this, babies of parents who've taken the program cry less, smile more, and become little communication wizards. 

**The Fishbowl Analogy: A Unique Perspective**

Imagine your family as a fishbowl, with the water symbolizing the mental health and relationship quality of you and your partner. Just as fish thrive in clean water, children flourish in a healthy relationship environment. The program equips you with all the right tools to maintain that crystal-clear water, ensuring your little ones grow up in a nurturing and loving family. It fosters fondness, affection, appreciation, and a stronger connection with your children and partner.

**Program Details and Format: Learning with a Dash of Fun**

The Bringing Baby Home Program is tailor-made for couples from pregnancy through those early preschool years. It's not your typical class; it's a delightful mix of lectures, videos, interactive exercises, and heartfelt discussions. You'll explore concepts as a group and enjoy private exercises as a couple, creating a safe space for open communication.

**Creating a Fair and Stress-Free Family**

This program isn't just about creating a fair division of labor; it's about ensuring both parents actively participate in caring for your bundle of joy. It's your toolkit for managing stress effectively, working as a team, and setting your family up for a lifetime of success. Whether your relationship is sailing smoothly or navigating a few bumps, the program can help strengthen your bonds and enhance your satisfaction.

**Meet Lara Elfstrand: Your Guide and Cheerleader**

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lara Elfstrand, the friendly face guiding you through this transformative journey. I am a pro with a background in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. I’m a certified in infant massage, a sleep consultant, and a true advocate for families. What’s my  secret sauce? Emphasizing the importance of repetition and fun in the learning process.

**Conclusion: A Journey to Family Bliss**

Your family is your most priceless treasure, and the health of your family is indeed wealth. Children thrive when their parents thrive, and you are worth every investment in your family's well-being. Consider this: What is your current stress level costing you in terms of the precious moments you could be sharing with your loved ones?

The Bringing Baby Home Program is your opportunity to prioritize your family's happiness and ensure that stress doesn't overshadow the joy of parenting. By joining this program, you're investing in a future where you can relish every moment spent with your partner and children. It's a chance to break free from the cycle of stress and create a harmonious and nurturing family environment.

Your family's well-being is worth more than any amount of money. Take the leap, invest in yourself, and unlock the potential for abundant love, happiness, and connection within your family. Sign up for the Bringing Baby Home Program today, and let's embark on this transformative journey together.

Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023

#BringingBabyHome #ParentingJourney #HealthyRelationships #FamilyAbundance

What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services

**The Gottman Institute: Pioneers in Relationship Research**

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a creation of none other than the brilliant minds at the Gottman Institute. At Little Elf Family Services, we affectionately refer to them as the "crazy researcher people" who have spent nearly five decades delving into the intricacies of marriage and parenting. Imagine all the wisdom they've accumulated in that time! Our mission is to bring their remarkable discoveries to you and tailor them to your unique needs.

**Unveiling the Gottman Institute's Magic**

The Gottman Institute has truly revolutionized the world of marriage research. They've uncovered the secrets behind what makes relationships thrive and what can lead them astray. Thanks to their groundbreaking work, we now possess the tools to make your relationship warmer, stronger, and healthier. They're all about helping couples like you build and sustain love and well-being in your relationships.

**Let's Dive into Program Details**

Here's the juicy part: the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work welcomes couples of all ages. It's perfect for new couples who want to set the stage for a solid foundation. And guess what? It's equally fantastic for seasoned couples who want to keep the spark alive. And it’s amazing for people who are divorced and starting a new relationship who don’t want to repeat the mistakes they made in the past.  Think of it this way: why not be a couple that learns relationship tools before hitting a rough patch? We're all human, and challenges are part of the journey. But knowing how to handle them constructively is the key.

**Meet Your Guide: Lara Elfstrand**

Now, let's talk about your tour guide on this incredible journey – Lara Elfstrand. She’s not your run-of-the-mill educator; she’s a pro in early childhood education, infant-family mental health, and parenting. She’s also a certified infant massage guru and a sleep consultant. Her passion lies in creating a nurturing and joyful family environment. And she firmly believes that learning should be fun, and the best lessons are the ones we repeat.

What to expect at a Gottman 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class @ Little Elf Family Services

**In a Nutshell**

So, in a nutshell, if you're looking for a transformation that brings abundance, stress management, a rock-solid team, and long-lasting happiness into your family, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is tailor-made for you. Join us on this incredible journey to fortify your relationship and create a thriving, loving family.

Ready to hop on board? Sign up for the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work today, and let's embark on this adventure together.

Sign - up here: Bringing Baby Home - TUESDAYS 6-8 PM Pacific starting November 7, 2023

#HealthyMarriage #RelationshipMagic #LoveAndAbundance 💫❤️

Story Time: Cracking the code to lasting love. A reading of A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba

📚 Uncover the surprising behaviors that could lead to relationship meltdown and discover why appreciation is a magical antidote.

A reading of A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba

Watch the video below for some relationship wisdom! #DivorceProofLove #AppreciationIsKey

Did you know that perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are more common than gestational diabetes—yet we screen for them less often?

When you become a parent, you want to feel calm and confident, but that’s often harder than you expect. Obstacles can get in the way, and unprepared parents may feel overwhelmed. While your moods may fluctuate, your overall happiness level is like a muscle: it gets weaker or stronger over time. If you ignore symptoms of depression or anxiety and hope that the problem will go away, you are likely to find yourself feeling more depressed and anxious.

The Gottman Bringing Baby Home workshop prepares expectant and new parents for the excitements and challenges they’ll likely face. If you get the support you need, while building habits that feel good and are not too easy and not too hard, you are likely to get happier over time. And when you do things that you enjoy the pleasure pathways in your brain grow stronger!

Check out this article that I wrote for the Gottman blog. In it, I (a Gottman Bringing Baby Home educator and trainer) share mood enhancing strategies that parents learn in the Bringing Baby Home workshop.

Nesting Parties - The Coolest New Trend in Parenting Preparation

Nesting Parties - The Coolest New Trend in Parenting Preparation

What’s the difference between a baby shower and a nesting party?

A baby shower focuses on the baby. It focuses on STUFF. Some stuff is good and useful — a baby needs a place to sleep, a car seat, some clothes, a few bottles or boppies or burp cloths. But if you end up with too much stuff, you just have to sort it out and manage it and find a way to give it away later. If you're a first time mom, you may really want —or need — to have a baby shower. Just be aware that you might not need twenty adorable onesies or a dozen stuffed animals, and the money spent on those items might be better spent elsewhere (see ideas in the downloadable PDF below).

"I wish I would have ‘said no thank you’ to so many given clothes, and put less on my registry... I got sucked up into needing all the things... I only use about 20% of what we got. It was a lot of work to donate, and return things after the baby arrived." E.B.

"I wish they'd put all the money they wasted on toys and fancy baby clothes into a cleaning service once a week. And food we actually wanted to eat (instead of what they cooked)."

On the other hand, a nesting party is focused on preparing the home and the family. Close friends can come to help deep clean the house or prepare meals. Co-workers or distant relatives can contribute gift certificates or money towards house cleaning or pet-care services, restaurants or meal- delivery, or doulas or mother’s helpers. A nesting party focuses on providing you with the support you need to have more snuggle time with your baby and more "me" time to take a long hot shower or get in a nap after your baby is born.

"Planning a nesting party opens the conversation of what a family's needs will be after birth and how people can help out. You need that support whether it's your first baby or your fifth!... It allows the guests to feel like they really made a difference." (Instead of Baby Showers, Expecting Moms are Throwing Nesting Parties)

Remember that the goal of a Nesting Party is to set up a family for success after their baby is born. This can be a new concept for both expectant parents and guests. So take the time to think about how you want to reframe the traditional baby shower into its modern-day version.

“I wish I had thought more about the support I would need after baby was born. I hardly knew what I needed, but I just knew I needed SOMETHING...” says Laura Baker, pregnancy/newborn photographer.

Now go have fun planning for your amazing postpartum time, and the Nesting Party that will help you achieve it! And if your friends can’t help themselves and still give you a cute onesie, oh well...

To learn more, download my free PDF by entering your name and email address below. Within the next few minutes, you will receive an email containing the link to download your free PDF to get started having your own nesting party today!

*This PDF contains affiliate links. That means that if you make a purchase after clicking on a link I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Boosting Immunity for Babies and Parents (especially useful for exclusively breastfeeding mothers!)

Boosting Immunity for Babies and Parents (especially useful for exclusively breastfeeding mothers!)

Recently several people have asked for strategies that can boost the immune system for an exclusively breastfeeding mothers. Moms who are breastfeeding have to be so careful of what they put into their bodies and what they pass on to their babies.

So what's my answer? Interestingly, the research (as shown here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6o) shows that contempt and criticism erode the immune system. So one of the best things that any new parent can do to boost their immune system and protect their baby is to WORK ON THEIR MARRIAGE! Strange, isn't it?

One of the best ways to work on our marriages as a new parent is to take the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program. It's research based and research tested to:

• increase relationship satisfaction;

• increase language and cognitive scores in babies;

• help babies to cry less and smile more;

• and to reduce the incidence and severity of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

It has NO negative side effects! It leaves you feeling empowered, knowing how to handle conflict and to strengthen your friendship so that your relationship can weather the storms of life. And it boosts your immune system by reducing criticism, contempt, and hostility.

My next class starts January 24. Register at little-elf.org/bbh today!

It makes a great gift for the expecting and new parents in your life! Gift certificates are available here or put the class on your registry at Be Her Village.

Why have a birth doula?

Why have a birth doula? An interview with Rebeca Martin, birth photography & doula services

What impact do you think that having a birth doula had on you as a mother?

My labor was really hard, and my doula was the thing that got me through.  I tried to escape. I didn't want to do it and the moment it got real, I was like, I'm just going to go over here. And I just didn't... I tried to literally climb out of my body. I didn't want to participate. And so she just helped keep me present enough to get the work done, but not be super traumatized. So I mean, birth can be traumatizing even if it's an ideal birth. And with her, she just kept it present, she let me know that everything was okay, she helped get maneuvers for my body so that my baby could reposition himself. And it was really, really good and then, she gave me the tough love when I really needed it the most, when I was just refusing to cooperate with everyone. And then she just let me know "You're getting in the shower now or". No, she didn't say "Or else you're going to transfer", of course she didn't say that at the time, but that was what was happening. So I did, and then he was born, it's what needed to happen. And so it was really, really valuable. I can't even... She was just the best, I can't even put a price on it. She was so good.

Why do you think a new parent would want to have a birth doula at their birth? 

Someone who is trained in repositioning your body to help the baby reposition inside is really, really valuable because sometimes all you need is to get in a different position. And when you're going from moment to moment, breath to breath, and you're in labor land, it's really hard to think about that stuff. And especially if your partner is so overwhelmed with the experience that they can't... It's almost like they're in labor land as well. And so, to have someone who's emotionally detached enough and has a skillset and awareness enough to be able to understand which position to go to next, is really, really important. And, then it just... Having that second or that third other brain there, allows you to really just get into the zone and not have to think as much. It's like you release, you're allowed, at least for me, I'm allowed to surrender without worrying.  And when the worrying is gone, it really makes a big difference in how I’m able to relax and just allow the process to happen.  Because it's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through labor, what labor is like. And so you might have an idea, but until you get there, you have no clue. And then for each person it's different too, so you actually really don't know what to expect. You don't know if it's going to be something that you don't feel until you're eight centimeters or something that you feel very strongly at one. And so, it can be really helpful to have those extra pair of hands to help give you some comfort while you're going through the whole thing.

How would new parents find a birth doula who is a good fit for them?

Interviewing, interviewing. You go to the main birth... there are some websites that have a lot of different people listed, birth resources. And you go, and you just... One after the other call and interview, you can meet in person. Whatever resonates with you, really, it's just what feels right for you in that situation.

What other reasons would someone use a birth doula?

Anxiety. If you have high anxiety, if you feel the need to have to have a lot of control, having that extra person there can help you just relax and just let go, and surrender. Guidance, especially for your partner, if you want your partner to be involved, but they don't know what to do, the doula can really help bring you guys together and can show things that the partner can, you guys make that connection. Because sometimes I've heard, where there's a bit of dissatisfaction because they didn't feel like... the laboring woman didn't feel like she was as supported as she had in her mind during the labor from her partner. And so having that extra help to show the partner what to do can really, really help a lot.

Do you have thoughts on how a birth doula can be supportive of the partner?

Instead of doing the movements and the comfort measures that you know in your mind as a doula, instead of doing them yourself, you can show the partner how to do them themselves, to their birthing partner so that they can do it every time and feel like they're making a huge difference. And then also, you can bring them around and be near the face. It just really depends on what the situation calls for, but you can recommend things, especially beforehand, having prenatals helps to talk about that stuff before the birth. But even if you're jumping in right in the moment, it helps to just not have them feel kind of like a deer in the headlights sometimes, it can happen.

What do you think the impact is on a partner when there's a doula present?

I think it calms them, they don't feel so much like a fish out of water. And they feel it helps to give them things to do, a task, a job, feeling like they're useful, they're helpful. I remember my dad, still today, says that when my mom was in labor, he wanted to be able to help her by giving birth himself so that she didn't have to do it, but there just wasn't many things for him to do.

Why would someone want a birth photographer at their birth?

For my first birth, I needed it to be very, very private and I didn't want pictures, I didn't want video. I didn't even think of video, but I didn't want pictures and it just had to be very private. So I have a very few, very fuzzy pictures from someone's phone, which I cherish so much. And even with my second, I wanted it to be private, but it was less of a concern, but still no pictures. And the few pictures I have I'm like, oh gosh, I totally could have done so many more. Like I just wish now that my kids are older, I want to show them what it was like for them to be born. And so I wish I had a video and photos. I would love to share with them their birth, and I [inaudible 00:13:28] see my birth if that... well, when my mom was giving birth, oh it would just be so special. And so I really, really like being able to provide that for others because later on just having that, because you can't ever go back and get it. So having that is just so, so special to be able to share it. You don't ever have to share it, but just having the option is really nice.

When you are at a birth, are you both the doula and the photographer? Or one or the other?

I do both. But during our prenatal appointments we have discussions on which is more important if certain situations arise. Do I put down the camera and give doula support or do I take a step back and pick up the camera? So it just depends on the birthing mom which part takes priority in those situations?

How do people find you?

https://www.placerbirthconnection.com/members 

https://www.nbbirth.com 

https://www.facebook.com/NBbirth/ 

Iterating our way to awesome!

Iterating our way to awesome!

Our mission is: 1) register for pregnancy date night at pregnancydatenight.com, 2) attend our date night tomorrow evening (Friday, December 3), and 3) get started on your journey towards a healthy family.

Sometimes I struggle to describe the challenges of early parenthood because I never want to scare people or make anyone feel like they aren’t enough, or that they won’t be a good enough parent if they don’t do certain things.  As a new parent sanity specialist, one of my primary goals is to help each of us as new parents to grow in our growth mindset, being able to ask for help, to make mistakes and learn from them, and to keep learning.  We are all iterating our way to awesome, as Marisa Murgatroyd always says!  And part of that is to encourage parents to ask for help from the very beginning.  Why?  As a new parent, you deserve to feel nurtured, protected, and cared for.  You deserve to have a partner that knows how to nurture, protect, and care for you.  And while they hopefully are great at that now, parenting is a new thing when we are first time parents, and your partner is not a mind reader.  So if we’re going to be able to know how to care for our partners well, it’s important to solidify our skills to keep our friendship intact and to be able to regularly and clearly express our needs. 

The Plan

The way to get started is to attend Pregnancy Date Night!  It’s coming up tomorrow!  Registration ends at 4 PM Pacific.  So your mission is:

1) register for pregnancy date night at pregnancydatenight.com,

2) attend our date night tomorrow evening (Friday, December 3), and

3) get started on your journey towards a healthy family.

Creating a warm, caring environment for a new baby

Creating a warm, caring environment for a new baby

The dream:

As new parents, you hope that life with your baby will be exciting - a fun, new adventure and a chance to get to know a new member of your family.  You want to create a warm, nurturing home for your children. You want time and space and support to bond with your baby. You want a peaceful postpartum. You want to instill positive values in your children. And if you have a partner, you want your relationship to be happy and connected.  Ultimately, you want to raise a kind, positive human being that contributes to society when they are older.  

The challenge:

Bringing a new member into the family is exciting and wonderful.  It’s also challenging, stressful and can increase hostility between partners and even with extended family and friends. The dynamics of the new addition changes everyone’s lives and everyone is affected. Your identity changes. You shift from being a couple to being a family. You take on the identity of “mother” or “father” or “parent”, and you even deal with your parents as they take on the title of “grandparent” (whether for the first time or not). And if you have other children, they have to adjust to sharing their parents’ attention, affection, and time.   

It is critical that new parents feel nurtured and supported, so that they can nurture and support their babies. Knowing that they are loved and safe is a crucial foundation for babies’ learning and development.  

The solution:  

There are 3 types of support that new families need to thrive:  physical support, relationship tools, and financial support. 

1. Physical support 

In a perfect world, every birthing family would receive three kinds of physical support: a birth doula, a postpartum doula, and a pelvic floor physical therapist. Here’s why.

BIRTH DOULAS

A birth doula provides physical, informational, and emotional support during labor. They help birthing parents with comfort, suggestions, reassurance, and advocacy. Doulas may provide massage, relaxation techniques, and other types of emotional and physical support their clients need. And birth doulas can help partners to know what to expect during labor, as well as how they can best support the birthing parent.  

According to Evidence Based Birth, “Overall, people who received continuous support were more likely to have spontaneous vaginal births and less likely to have any pain medication, epidurals, negative feelings about childbirth, vacuum or forceps-assisted births, and Cesareans. In addition, their labors were shorter… and their babies were less likely to have low Apgar scores at birth. There is a smaller amount of evidence that doula support in labor can lower postpartum depression in mothers. There is no evidence for negative consequences to continuous labor support.”  

During COVID, some birth doulas have worked completely virtually. Other birth doulas have supported families in person in their homes until it was time to go to the hospital and then switch to a virtual model if needed after that. Gemma Mrizo, at Doula Gemma says, “For me, …I think that the virtual model completely works. … I think every woman should still have a doula… The doula and the remote model almost feels like that's your expert to call when it's hitting the fan and you're panicking. And I think a lot of people like that, that they have somebody to back them up if they need it. And then if they don't, they're cool.”.

POSTPARTUM DOULAS

A postpartum doula’s role is to support you to get your needs met as a new parent, whether that is taking care of the baby so that you can get a nap or snuggle with your partner for a few minutes, getting you a warm bath to soak your feet as you feed your baby, pulling up a good breastfeeding meditation on YouTube, or making sure that your water bottle stays full.  Postpartum doulas also provide a listening ear as you process your birth experience and learn to be a parent.  A postpartum doula will encourage and support you in gaining confidence as a parent.  DONA, one of the agencies that certifies doulas, says that a postpartum doula’s job is to be NEAR: nurturing, educating, assessing, and referring to additional resources.

PELVIC FLOOR PHYSICAL THERAPY

Pelvic floor physical therapy can decrease your chance of injury and help new birthing parents to heal after birth. “I recommend a visit with a pelvic physical therapist before or during pregnancy week 30. [Parents] need to start doing the exercises I prescribe daily 6-8 weeks before delivery for them to get maximum benefit.” Dr. Romy Havard of Peregrine Physical Therapy.

Julie Kwong of LadyBits PT puts it this way, “"Why wouldn't you (see a pelvic floor physical therapist)?" You've been through so much. This is the least you deserve--to heal after birth, be put back together. It's the very least you deserve.” 

2. Relationship tools 

During pregnancy, most couples don’t know what to expect and don’t know what important conversations to have. As a result, they often feel resentful when their expectations don’t match with reality after the baby arrives. That’s why I love to teach the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program to expectant and new parents.

Bringing Baby Home educators give parents the tools that they need to express their needs clearly and respectfully, using research-based tools included in the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program.

 Not only is the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program research-based, it’s also research-tested to increase relationship satisfaction. Babies of parents who have taken the class have been shown to cry less, smile more, and develop higher language and cognitive scores at one year of age than babies of parents who did not take the class. And that’s what new parents want!

3. Financial support

You probably noticed that the support options above are expensive. There are a few insurance companies that will cover a birth doula but most insurance companies don’t.  What if we can get the support that we need anyway?  

Some hospitals have volunteer doula programs for doulas who are in the process of getting their certification, or want to donate their time. Ask the hospital where you are birthing if they have a doula program, and encourage them to develop one if they don’t.  

Your friends and family can help support you.  Let’s change the way that we do baby showers! Instead of receiving a zillion newborn onesies that will never be used, you can ask for a nesting party, where your close family and friends come over to help you to cook and clean and prepare your home for your baby.

You can also use a registry such as behervillage.com to ask for the specific support that you need to thrive.  Be Her Village is a gift registry for services, not stuff.  Expectant and new parents can register for either physical support, such as a birth doula, postpartum doula, or pelvic floor physical therapist, or relationship support such as a Gottman Bringing Baby Home class.

So now what?

You want to create a family that is safe, healthy, calm, and strong. Don’t be under-prepared for the amount of support that you will need.  Start your journey to parenting with the knowledge, skills, and confidence to do just that.  

Join us at www.pregnancydatenight.com for a fun (FREE!) pregnancy date night, and start your registry today at www.behervillage.com! 

An invitation to Pregnancy Date Night

I recently was interviewed by Megan Latapie, president of Placer Birth Connection, about my new Pregnancy Date Night. Here’s what we talked about! You can find the video here.

Megan Latapie:

Well, hi, Lara Elfstrand from Little Elf Family Services.

Lara Elfstrand:

Hi, Megan.

Megan Latapie:

Hi. I was going to call you the baby whisper, a.k.a the relationship whisper, a.k.a the sleep whisper, a.k.a. the best postpartum doula in Placer County.

Lara Elfstrand:

Thank you, that's so sweet.

Megan Latapie:

Yeah, okay. So you have something super fun coming up that our audience needs to know about. And I think it's something that I have never really heard, in the way that you describe it. So tell us what you have going on.

Lara Elfstrand:

I have a special event coming up on Friday, December 3rd, called the Pregnancy Date Night. Something we don't talk about when we have a baby is that two thirds of couples who have a baby experience significant increases in hostility in their relationship. And it's so easy to just blame our partner, it's our partner's fault. They're not helping enough. They're not doing enough. We just feel so overwhelmed and sleep deprived in early postpartum. But there are things that we can do to reduce the stress and improve our ability to express our needs respectfully so that we protect and nurture our relationship as we grow our families, and my mission is to get the word out about what we can do to make postpartum more calm and less overwhelming.  

So we are going to have 2 date night options for pregnant couples: one at 5:00 PM Pacific and one at 8:00 PM Pacific. And we're just going to have a super fun time. We're going to talk about: what the challenges are for new parents; what are the four behaviors that predict divorce; and we will talk about some things we can do to protect our relationships and have a better postpartum experience. And we're going to have a lot of fun in the process.

Megan Latapie:

I love it. So it's pregnant families who are deliberately taking the time for self care and self love in regards to their relationship, so that whenever baby comes, they can be in their best space together as a couple, and have the highest chance of meeting their own goals and their own expectations with parenthood and relationships. And I can tell you as a relatively new mama, that this is so needed. And I literally remember that first year looking at my husband and being like, we're all doing it wrong. And just tears streaming down my face and saying, I'm doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong. Baby's doing it wrong.

I think that had we taken more to get all of our little ducks in a row as best as we could mentally, set our expectations, and had a guide like you tell us, okay, so I know that this is what you think it might look like, but we're going to work together as a team and come up with some realistic expectations, and how to deal when those aren't being met. We might have been able to communicate at times better. We made it through with some blood, sweat, and tears, as you know parents do. But I think that at those moments at 2:00 AM, when baby's crying and everybody's exhausted, you can dig deep in the recesses of your mind and be like, what did Lara say? Oh yeah. Let's just take a hug. There’s nothing to figure out right now. And I don't know if this is one of your strategies, but I could have seen it maybe being helpful. Let's just take a break.

Lara Elfstrand:

Right? Yes. Just recognizing. Recognizing that we need to take a break, because one of the key things in behavior management is that the adult needs to be in control of the adult. We think the adult needs to be in control of the baby, but really, we need to often focus on being in control of ourselves first.

Megan Latapie:

Right. So minding our own tantrums and our own outbursts. And when we feel like crying, because our needs aren't being met. And it sounds like what this Pregnancy Date Night's going to do is offer more tools to help meet our own needs. Right? So that we can in turn meet our partner’s needs, when they're the ones that are feeling the stress in that moment. And then in turn, we can both meet our baby's needs better. 

So what is this going to look like? Is this online? Is this via Zoom? Is this a website that people go to and sign up for? How do we do this date night? 

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes. It's Friday, December 3rd. It’s going to be an hour long and we're going to meet on Zoom at either five o'clock Pacific or eight o'clock Pacific. When you go to pregnancydatenight.com, there will be a link at the bottom for either 5:00 PM or 8:00 PM. And then from there, it'll send you to Zoom to register and Zoom will send you the link after you've completed the registration form. And then we'll see you on Friday, December 3rd. We’re going to have an hour of fun. One of my big passions is that we learn by having fun. 

Megan Latapie:

I love that. 

And especially right now, sometimes when you're pregnant and you have so much going on, you don't really feel like getting dressed up, even though that's nice to do as well. But we don't always feel like getting dazzled and going on an actual date night because that can cause its own stresses.

So to be able to be like, Hey we're going get some tea or have some dinner, and then hop on this from the comfort of our home, and then be able to talk about it and stuff afterward. I love that. 

Lara Elfstrand:

I really want this to be a special time to connect with your partner, and then learn a few things about pregnancy and preparing so that we have a better idea of what to expect. Because babies' needs these are just so different and and opposite in so many ways from an adult's needs. And it can be just so helpful to be aware of how they're the same, and how they're different, and how we can handle it.

Megan Latapie:

I love that you've mentioned a couple times, we're going to have fun. That's so important to remember. You don't have to take ourselves so seriously in this process.

And that we can bring some lightheartedness into our learning and especially with our relationships. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, whenever we think about the best times with our partners is when we're having fun. Right? Like when we're laughing together and when we're really genuinely enjoying each other's company. So for you to provide that space for couples to just let their hearts open up, and speak to one another, and to enjoy each other's company while at the same time learning these tools and these skills--that's great. So people just need to get over to pregnancydatenight.com and then the rest kind of falls into place. Right?

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes, exactly.

Megan Latapie:

On December 3rd. Okay. And I have one more question. Can people bring their bottle of wine to date night?

Lara Elfstrand:

To date night? I love the idea of having something festive, although I don't suggest alcohol for pregnant people.

Megan Latapie:

Good point. Maybe they're non-alcoholic sparkling champagne.

Lara Elfstrand:

You can bring something sparkly to drink, yes of course.

Megan Latapie:

What about a little candle or something?

Lara Elfstrand:

Lighting a candle is a great idea. And I often think that a hot herbal tea can be really soothing as well.

Megan Latapie:

Right, but just inviting couples to really make this a true night for themselves and not a sense of, oh, we got to drudge to this course that we're going to. But to really have fun with it, enjoy it in whatever way that looks like for that couple. Right?

Lara Elfstrand:

Totally.

Megan Latapie:

Yeah. Mine was a little kombucha and a pretty wine glass. That was my pregnancy go-to. It’s a little fizzy and has some probiotics.  

Megan Latapie:

That sounds beautiful. 

Lara Elfstrand:

Yes, and if you can’t make it, you can definitely follow me on social media. 

You can find me me at 

- pregnancydatenight.com

- little-elf.org

- instagram.com/little_elf_family_services

- facebook.com/lara.elfstrand 

- facebook.com/LittleElfFamilyServices

- behervillage.com/partners/littleelffamilyservices 

- facebook.com/groups/KALM.Connected.Families

Megan Latapie:

Perfect. Okay. Thanks Lara for giving us the scoop.

Lara Elfstrand:

Thank you so much, Megan.

Megan Latapie:

Thank you!