50 ways to take a break

This is a handout that I reference a lot both to generate ideas for myself and for my clients. I use it both for breaks and for celebrations! Which one are you going to do next?

50 ways to take a break!

Tired & Stressed? These Simple Habits Will Change Your Life

Routines have been a fundamental part of my life since I got married (25 years ago!) and especially during times when I’ve had a young child and/or a dog at home (the last 16+ years). Here are some of my favorite sources of my favorite routines. The challenging part is to not try to do them all at once! Pick one or two to start with! Break things into small pieces, and if you need some support, read out to me and let’s chat!

Remember DEER:

Drink water

Eat something nutritious

Exercise

Rest

DEER: Drink water, Eat something nutritious, Exercise, and Rest. I learned this acronym from GriefShare, and I use it pretty much all the time. I ask my body: Body, what do you need next? Do you need some water, food, movement, or rest? Then I read Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Dr. Elisa Song, and she calls it the “5 Things Challenge” for gut health. Part II of the book is: Create microbiome magic with the 5 things your child does every day: hydrate, nourish (what we eat or don’t eat), move, breathe, and prioritize sleep. Can you see how these 5 things are exactly the same 5 things as DEER? Rest is just broken down into two pieces: breathing and prioritizing sleep!

Once the DEER basics are in place, I would take a look at relationship routines. For that I would go to the Gottman Institute for the 6 hours a week to a better relationship. While 6 hours seems like a lot, many of them are things that take less than 10 minutes a day, and truthfully you are probably doing many of them without even realizing it. For example, we can create routines for kissing hello and goodbye to our partner or for giving long hugs to our kids. We can create routines for physical affection, for the “how was your day?” conversation, and for expressing appreciation and fondness to one another. The key is to turn them from unconscious and inconsistent to conscious and growing in consistency.

To me, routines are important because they help us to break tasks into smaller pieces and reduce overwhelm. One of the first ways that I learned to do this is with FlyLady.net way back as a newlywed. She says “I can do anything for 15 minutes!” I tend to say “I can do anything for 3 minutes!” but the concept is the same. Her work was influential for me to learn to reduce perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and to do one baby step at a time.

Guiding Families Toward Rest, Connection, and Joy

At Little Elf Family Services, I believe that parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Families thrive when they feel supported, equipped, and empowered, and my work is designed to help parents move from exhaustion and frustration to confidence and joy.

As a sleep consultant, marriage and parenting coach, and early childhood special educator, I blend evidence-based strategies with compassionate support. My approach draws from experts like John & Julie Gottman, Bruce Perry, Stewart Brown, Brené Brown, and Dan Siegel, helping families find solutions that align with their values and unique needs.

A Calm & Connected Approach to Parenting

Parenting can feel overwhelming, but struggle and confrontation don’t have to be the norm. Clients often express relief when they realize they don’t have to panic over each new challenge. Instead, they learn to approach problems with a steady, thoughtful perspective, making small shifts that create lasting positive change.

“We knew we didn't need to panic when facing a new problem as you would be there, guiding us.”
“We’re also constantly amazed by how your parenting philosophy has minimized confrontation and struggle, and allowed us to focus on the happy and joyful moments that our child brings us.”

Empowering Families with Practical Tools

I provide resources, guidance, and encouragement—but the real magic happens when families take those tools and make them their own. My work isn’t about fixing families; it’s about helping them find their own strengths and rhythm.

"She won’t do the work for you—but she will give you resources, tools, and support to do it yourself. And she will be cheering you on every step of the way.”

Science-Backed Strategies for Real-Life Parenting

From gentle start-up conversations (a Gottman-based approach that reduces conflict) to completing stress cycles (so parents don’t carry frustration day after day), my work is rooted in strategies that make a real difference. Laughter, connection, and small, consistent changes help families shift from surviving to thriving.

"We are better parents, a better couple, and better people for knowing her and having worked with her."

Whether you’re navigating infant sleep, toddler emotions, or the ups and downs of parenting, my goal is to help you feel rested, connected, and confident—so you can focus on what truly matters: the joyful moments in family life.

**This post was created by ChatGPT to summarize my work and includes real testimonials from real people that I have served. I love it and it fits me beautifully, so I am sharing it here.

Breathing Techniques for Kids

Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster!

While we are on the topic of breathing, here are some other breathing strategies that I recommend to my clients often:

• Kira Willey’s Mindful Moments for Kids

• Conscious Discipline breathing exercises for kids and parents (YouTube playlist)

• My favorite Conscious Discipline breathing video

While researching for this blog post, I also found this cute puffer fish that goes up and down as you breathe and I kind of love it!

Also I love to remind parents that blowing bubbles is an awesome way to practice breathing! Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster! Can you blow bubbles with belly breathing? Just know that shaking bubbles or waving the wand inside of the bubble solution will make the solution get foamy and stop working.

Reminder: Why practice breathing with your kids? It builds calm. It tells the brain that they are safe, which can help them to think more clearly and make better decisions. It can help to reduce cortisol, which can be helpful as part of a pre-sleep routine to help prepare the body for rest and shut off from a busy day. It also helps with gut health, according to Dr. Elisa Song of the book Healthy Kids, Happy Kids.

April additions: One of the things I love to do is to use the things that kids already know and love and build on it! So recently I found:

Pokemon breathing!

Minecraft breathing!

Dinosaur breathing!

What would YOUR kids add to this list? Can you find some videos on YouTube? Share them with me!

Lessons on sleep training from one of my favorite teachers: Charlie "the dog" Elfstrand

Lessons from Charlie about sleep training:

My favorite sleep teacher, Charlie Elfstrand, even though I have certainly learned a lot from the human variety as well!

Lot of times people ask me about sleep training and “cry it out” methods, and I think that what is happening in my house right now is a great example of my beliefs and strategies as of March 2025. Keep in mind that I am scheduled to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (based on years of attachment research) in April 2025, so please stay tuned to see if or how that changes things!. From what I can tell so far, this fits really nicely.

TLDR: I am focused on coregulation, creating a sense of DEEP calm in my body that I can spread through singing and presence, observation of how much stimulation is helpful (or not!), and use a custom approach based on the individual.

On Friday night I decided to resume doing sleep training with Charlie. When I say that, here’s what I mean.

I am stretching his self-soothing muscles by creating a calm deep inside my body and focusing on spreading that calm while also noticing how much stimulation and attention is helpful and how much is unhelpful. Yesterday was a calmer day for us than other recent days, so I figured that he had more capacity for practicing. Also the quality of the barking had a sad sound to it that said he was tired and was fighting sleep and wanted to be with me, maybe didn’t want to sleep, but it didn’t sound like he was afraid or scared or panicing.

How am I doing it?

Here are my notes from last night:

I put on some ridiculously soothing music that is singing about things like “love is here now” and “let the water wash away your tears, let the fire burn away your fears.” (A HUGE thank you to Alexia Chellun for her musical contribution to our success tonight!) I am singing along to it the best as I can (imperfect is more than fine! He does not care!). I put one hand on my chest and the other on my belly so that I can focus on taking deep, soothing belly breaths (attempting not to move my chest hand with my breath but to feel the warmth of my hand there and to feel the breath in my diaphragm/in my belly). I am rocking and soothing myself to create a ridiculously soothing, confident environment. I am closing my eyes so that he is not able to engage with me, and because it lets me focus on the feeling of my hand on my chest and of being enveloped by the soothing sounds of the music. The crate is covered on 3 sides, and the pen around it also is covered. So he can come out of the crate and maybe see the top of my head to know that I am here with him, but the stimulation level is low. And little by little I am moving away from the crate. As I make sounds, he is getting up again, but each time he is settling a little bit faster than the time before. To me, it feels right. It feels like a level of challenge that is not too easy but not too overwhelming. He got practice at the crate and at soothing himself to sleep, but with an environment that is as peaceful and confident as I can absolutely possibly make it. And he has now had 3 weeks of supplements so I know that his nutrition is improving. Now we will see if I can start to move around the kitchen and do the dishes.

I wasn’t “responding” with words or with eye contact or even visual contact, but I was responding by spreading my calm presence. I was saying “You’re ok”— not by saying “you’re ok” but by spreading my calm.

Morning Update: Charlie went out for an evening potty break around 9 PM and took a long time to settle back into sleep afterwards. His final bark was around 11 PM. Again, the barks didn’t sound like panic but of struggle to sleep. He is strengthening his settling muscle. And again, I used belly breathing as a way to calm him. In fact, I did my evening stretches as a way to wind myself down for sleep but I chose to do them in the living room so that I would be close enough to the crate so that he could know that I was with him (but not so close that he would be too distracted trying to get my attention)..

Afternoon Update: The noise sensitivity is real. And T Berry Brazelton used to say that development is not linear, and that is definitely proving to be true. We had a great morning with a nice walk and plenty of interaction time. Then I put him down for an afternoon nap. It was the first in-the-crate afternoon nap in weeks. Again, he seemed at first to settle easily. But then I would make a noise and he would come back out of the crate to see what I was doing. Then he was starting to settle, and it happened again. I tried to do my stretch video, but this time he could see me and he isn’t as familiar with that music. No go. He was getting more worked up, not less. All needs were met and my goal was and is to spread calm. I decided to take a shower. In the past, showering in the shower next to the crate has been calming. And I was right. He calmed down to the sound of the water. (Sadly, so far when I have tried water sounds on the iPad or sound machine, it didn’t work the same way! Still brainstorming there). Yet again he got up when the shower turned off. But as I got out of the shower, he was able to settle. And I decided to be as quiet as possible, because after all of those starts and stops I think he just needed a chance to actually settle without being interrupted. His “settling muscle” had been strengthened enough for one nap! So I sneaked quietly across the hall to my office to write this blog. He stayed asleep until my hubby got home, and then he slept on his bed next to my computer for a bit until he heard another noise.

So what are some takeaways that you could use with your kid(s)?

During the day:

• Consider gut health and looking for ways to improve things like hydration; intake of fruits, veggies, meats, and fermented foods; reducing things like pesticides and food colorings and food additives; exercise; using breathing as a way to calm and de-stress and to create a positive, calm mood worth spreading

• Consider how you can take a “stress break” and make the day as soothing as possible. If possible, choose a day when the stress levels have been lower than other days.

• Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate (credit: Dr. Bruce Perry). The timing of when Charlie goes into the crate is pretty predictable: he has an afternoon nap and a time that he sleeps at night. And today before he went into the crate, I reviewed the plan with him. I literally told him that within the next half hour he was going to go into the crate, then I was going to close the door and sing to him while he went to sleep, and then I would come back for him before he needs his dinner. I am reading his cues to figure out how to give him as many choices as I can come up with that still allow him to get his sleep and me to be able to get my needs met too. And I am looking for ways to make the self-soothing practice a moderate level of challenge: not too easy but also not letting him bark and loose his mind for hours. In the end, he was calm more than he was upset even though the process has taken sometimes a couple of hours as he is settling and then getting up and then settling again.

SETTLING FOR SLEEP

• Consider how to soothe yourself and create a spa-like environment for sleep'

• Consider how to keep then level of stimulation low with lots of opportunities to know that they are loved and safe but very few opportunities for interaction when it’s time to actually start sleeping.

• What lullabies do you know that sing about love and belonging and peace and acceptance? Are there songs that make YOU feel safe and loved and confident and peaceful? For some ideas, check out my pre-sleep playlist.

I’ve been reading Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman et al., and I signed up to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (coming up in April!). As I learn more about Circle of Security, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what it means to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. To me, this method of sleep training fits with that because it is focused on finding the “just right challenge”, spreading calm, and being with Charlie as he works to figure it out… yet stepping back when it seems like that’s what he needs. Stay tuned for more information about Circle of Security and attachment!

Secrets to supporting your child's sleep while traveling

Have a trip coming up with your children? Here are some things to keep in mind to keep everyone feeling rested and getting along!

Make a plan

First, set aside some time before the trip to make a plan. See if you can find out what the space will be like where you are traveling. Are there options that would allow each person to have their own space? If you’re traveling to an event, what are the options for quiet? Consider your child’s personality and needs. What are key elements of their routine and of their sleep space that you can re-create in the new environment? (This is a great topic to create “Family Meeting Magic”. To get started, download my free PDF now which will get you signed up to hear more about my upcoming parenting summit!)

Dealing with “jet lag”

According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s “Three Ways to Sleep Like a Pro Athlete”, “For each time zone you travel through, it will take one day for your body to adjust your circadian rhythm to your new location. So, if you cross three time zones on a coast-to-coast flight, you’ll need three days to adjust.” So keep that in mind as you are planning your time.

Daytime strategies

1) How much sleep does each child typically get during the day? How long do they tend to be able to stay awake happily? Is there a way that you can re-create the amount of daytime sleep, the amount of nighttime sleep, and the amount of time that they are awake during the day, even if the schedule itself changes a bit?

2) What are the options for getting in some sunlight or time outdoors during the day? See if you can explore your options.

3) What are your options for getting in some physical movement or fun exercise while you are away? Can you have a morning dance party? Can you walk or hike or swim?

Nighttime strategies

If you can, leave time to wind down from the busy day! Try to keep your bedtime routine as close to normal as you can. Bring the things from home that you can easily pack. Make a list as part of your family pre-meeting! Do your kids benefit from a bath before bed? A story? Some quiet music?

“Crashing into bed to try to hit eight hours of sleep may not be helpful if your body is still stressed or full of energy. If you get seven and a half hours of sleep and use those 30 minutes to wind down by listening to a podcast, reading a book, or doing any calming activity – that break might just be more beneficial than rushing to bed and struggling to fall asleep” (Three ways to sleep like a pro athelete). For example, I found that my deep sleep scores on my Apple Watch were looking really low. Then last night I did a 15 minute stretch to quiet, soothing music before bed and my deep sleep scores more than doubled! That’s just one person over the course of a few nights, but it’s something to keep in mind as you prepare for your trip!

Other nighttime strategies to remember:

• Keep the room cool, dark, and quiet

• Can you bring some white noise? What can you do to support the sound environment for each person?

• Can you turn off screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime or at least make sure that your blue light filtering is working effectively on those screens?

In the moment

I’m always thinking about “What are the things I can control? And what are the things I can’t control and need to let go of?” The serenity prayer: Give me peace to accept the things I can’t change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. With some planning, you can help everyone to feel more rested and advocate for the needs of you and your child. And then your mission is to relax and go with the flow for the rest. Enjoy your travels!

Resources:

Center for Pediatric Sleep Management

www.sleepeducation.org from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine: Best ways to improve sleep without medication and Three Ways to Sleep like a Pro Athlete.

She’s like a walking, talking hug—except way smarter and with better advice

*“Okay, everybody, listen up—because I need you to understand how incredible Lara is.

Absolute legend. Total rockstar of a human. She’s like a walking, talking hug—except way smarter and with better advice. Seriously, if you’ve got a problem, she’ll solve it with science, love, and probably some magical fairy dust.

She’s basically a wizard. You got a kid who won’t sleep? She’ll fix it. A toddler with big feelings? She’s got you. A couple trying to keep their marriage strong while raising little chaos gremlins? She’s got strategies for days.

She knows everything about sleep—like, scientifically. She’s certified up the wazoo and customizes everything for every family, whether their kid is neurotypical or has unique challenges. And connection? Oh my God, she is the queen of helping families actually enjoy each other. She’s trained in all this brainy, therapeutic stuff, she teaches people how to massage their babies (which, by the way, is ADORABLE), and she literally helps parents not lose their minds.

But thriving? That’s her secret sauce. She’s got the degrees, the credentials, and the biggest heart. She knows how to break down overwhelming parenting stuff into tiny, manageable steps, and she’ll remind you that you’re doing better than you think.

Basically, she’s out here making the world a better, more rested, more connected place, one family at a time. If you don’t know her, you’re missing out. If you do, congratulations, you’ve already won at life. Cheers to her!”*

According to ChatGPT, this is what my drunk best friend would say about me and my business. I like it! 🤣

A special Valentine's Day treat!

This morning when I woke up, I was struggling to figure out how to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my larger tribe. I have been thinking on this for months, but honestly perfectionism got the best of me. Yet the celebration and the self compassion that I was looking for was waiting for me at just the right time!

One of my mentors, Stasia Savasuk, sent this out this morning and it feels like the perfect way to share Valentine’s Day with all of my people. And if you are reading this right now and WANT to be one of my people, please include yourself!

Stasia says:

Instead of waiting around for someone to LOVE YOU ENOUGH today, I invite you to FEEL THE LOVE that's already alive inside of you.

And when I say "feel the love," I really mean FEEL THE LOVE. As in, WHERE do you feel the love inside your body? What does it FEEL LIKE? How does FEELING THE LOVE make you feel?

I'm not gonna leave you to your imagination here. I'm going to WALK YOU THROUGH exactly how to do this.

I know you're busy. But today of ALL THE DAYS, you are worthy of the 6 minutes it's gonna take to watch this video, and fill yourself with love, from the inside out.

LOVE is a resource you have inside of you. Something you can draw up anytime you need it. 

I know you know how to do that. Because if you're anything like me (human!), you can draw up the most dramatic worst-case-scenerios in the world like it's your full time job––and FEEL THEM for days! 

Same mechanism. You're just drawing up a GOOD MEMORY, not a shitty one. 

After you watch the video, if you’re willing, share what memory came to mind for you!

Then follow Stasia on Instagram or sign up for her email list on her website.

(Email shared with Stasia’s permission.)

The #1 secret to healthy relationships

Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.

One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.

The Hand Model of the Brain

Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel

Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:

• Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.

• Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.

• Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.

• Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.

At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Why This Matters in Relationships

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:

I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.

But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.

How to Prevent “Lid-Flipping Fests”

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.

1. Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.

2. Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.

4. Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.

Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.

For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.

Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.

Welcome, 2025!

As I’m getting into the groove of things in the new year, I’m excited to look forward to what is ahead in 2025.  Three things that I’m focusing on for 2025: celebration, self compassion, and guts.

Celebration.

A huge focus for this upcoming year is to really focus on celebrating wins. I’ve created a wall themed with ocean animal themed Post-it notes where I am writing down daily things that I am celebrating, such as:

• a child whose iron levels were low, and taking supplements is helping him to feel more calm and able to manage when he hears the word no.

• a child whose pom-pom jar is filling up because of all the good things that he is doing during the day (focusing on what we want more of by focusing on the good things rather than on the bad ones!)

• siblings who used to bite each other every day and it went down to only once in the last month

• A child who received the Slumberkins yak for Christmas with two books about making mistakes and being enough. He loves them and is being reminded regularly that he is enough even when he makes mistakes.

• A testimonial from a mom who says “I needed support on finding strategies to help my son sleep better. I felt like I had tried everything and nothing was working. My fear at the time was that my son was never going to go to sleep early or sleep through the night. At that time I thought I had tried everything with my son but you provided us with more tools. The suggestion of the weighted (vest before bed) and magnesium powder were the things that stuck. The vest helped regulate and tire my son out a little before bed and the magnesium powder has gotten him to sleep throughout the night. I appreciated you always being eager to find ways to help. We accomplished my son and I getting a better nights sleep. With better sleep comes better days for both of us. I feel great and relieved that we found something that works for my son. You also gave me an understanding that not every night will be the same but no matter what to always keep trying.”

• Another testimonial from a mom who says “I was feeling pretty good about how we were managing our family life overall but we hit a major snag with bedtime. My daughters (ages 5 and 2.5) were getting out of bed repeatedly after we put them down and riling each other up in their shared bedroom. It made for a chaotic end to days that were sometimes already stressful and I was worried that my girls weren't getting enough sleep. We eventually got our five year old accustomed to settling down at night but our almost-three-year-old was still struggling. That's when I decided to reach out to Lara. Lara had a wide variety of tips and tricks we could try. A few I heard before as a parent who has been in the sleep struggle trenches before but many that were new to me as well. I was excited to try them out and see which ones worked for us. When Lara suggested letting my daughter listen to recorded stories at night as she drifted off to sleep that stuck in my head as something that would likely work for her. My hunch was correct and while she still may need a couple additional supports to settle on some nights it has largely been extremely successful and our evenings have been much calmer as a result. (After working together, I feel) great and I am keeping my notes handy from our talks to refer to later in case we need to try other strategies in the future.”

• A number of families who don’t need to see me anymore because they are sleeping better and no longer need me! Woot woot!

These are awesome wins, but not everything in life is a win. Therefore, my second focus for 2025 is:

Self compassion.

Ya know, losing a kid is hard. 

Caring for an anxious rescued dog is hard!  Keeping him out of the emergency room is hard! Teaching him that the world is a safe place is hard some days! Finding help that is congruent with my values and supportive of me as a person has been WAY harder than I hoped it would be! I have been SHOCKED!

Running a business is hard!  Learning to do discovery calls in a way that is effective but doesn’t feel pushy or salesy is hard!  I am passionate about selling prevention, and it’s HARD!  Honestly people usually aren’t that passionate about preventing problems that they can’t feel.  And in order to teach people concepts that can change their lives and their marriages and help them to sleep better, I need to be able to sell my classes and services.  I need to sell enough to be able to cover my expenses, and honestly I would like to build an abundant business that does more than just cover basic expenses while also serving people at a variety of income levels and in a way that feels congruent and equitable (blog post coming soon!).  All of that is hard. 

I just got an email from one of my mentors, Stasia Savasuk, that “the key is not to measure SUCCESS by outcomes, but by our faithfulness to the labor”.  And as you know, I am a lover of all things improv, and celebrating failure is a key component of improv and therefore of my life! 

So this is a year for celebrating the wins and showing myself self compassion for the losses, continuing to be faithful to the labor. 

I have been faithful to the labor.  I sold my first Gottman Bringing Baby Home class on October 3, 2016, so it’s been over 8 years of business learning so far.  Over 100 families have taken Bringing Baby Home from me as of January 2025. And in all things, there will be wins and losses.  At the end of 2023, I was not at all sure that I could keep this business going.  Yet in 2024, I supported over 100 families to feel more rested, connected and thriving. Finally as we start 2025, I have a steady flow of clients and am starting to get more regular referrals. 

I am creating a world in which parents are experts in their children, and they trust that they can come to me to build their toolbox and to work collaboratively and with respect. I have largely shifted to focusing on sleep support rather than preventing relationship problems, although I am happy to support relationships anytime I get the chance. 

This year I am focusing on helping families to feel rested, connected, and thriving, and that feels really really good.  The outcomes are starting to happen, but either way I am celebrating faithfulness to the labor and self compassion while also focusing on guts: my guts, Charlie’s guts, and my clients’ guts.

Guts.

The theme of gut health is showing up in all sorts of places in my life.  I am doing gut health support with Oshi Health for my endometriosis.  My dog Charlie is doing gut health support to help with his behavior (test results are still pending, but his poop successfully made it through customs to the testing company in the UK!), and then he’s signed up with the Shouty Barky Dog Lady to look for hidden pain.  At the end of 2024, I completed my pediatric sleep certification with Palm Pediatric, and a core principle is the link between gut health and sleep (and everything else!). 

The gut is our second brain.  “Our gut is home to over 100 trillion microscopic organisms. In recent years, emerging science has made significant strides in understanding the role these gut microbes play in our and our children’s overall health—and it’s more significant than you might realize. Our children’s gut microbiome is responsible for not just how our kids digest and absorb food but also how their immune systems function; how they think, feel, and behave; and even how their genes work for or against them!” Excerpt From Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Elisa Song M.D.  

Our gut health influences our behavior, our attention, our sleep — everything!  What fascinates me too is that during my grief classes years ago, I learned about the importance of DEER: drink water, eat something nutritious, exercise, and rest.  And now I am reading Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Elisa Song, MD.  What does she say influences gut health?  Drink water (hydrate), eat something nutritious (nourish), exercise (move), and rest (breathe and prioritize sleep). 

Recently I was talking to a dear friend about DEER (ha!), and her response was that it sounded overwhelming to have to do all those things all the time. As part of my self compassion mission, I’ve been listening to the audiobook for Meditations for Mortals, and I thought that it addressed this beautifully:

“Treat your to-do list as a menu. In the striving-towards-sanity mindset, a to-do list is always something you’ve got to get to the end of before you’re allowed to relax. But in any context where there are more things that feel like they need doing than there’s time available in which to do them – which is the normal state of affairs, after all – a to-do list is by definition really a menu, a list of tasks to pick from, rather than to get through. And operating from sanity means treating it that way: starting with the acknowledgment that you won’t complete everything you might wish, then making your selections from the menu. Obviously, not every task on every to-do list will be as appetizing as the restaurant analogy suggests. But it’s surprising how many things do become more appetizing once you’re encountering them not as chores you have to plow through, but as options you get to pick.” (excerpt From Meditations for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman.) I encourage you that when you pause to decide what you are going to do next, consider using a menu mentality that includes DEER on your list of options, and listen to your body as you pick something from the list! And what might be something from the DEER menu that would benefit someone else in your family?

Join me on the journey!

So this year I am focused on choosing from a menu that includes celebration, self compassion, and guts (including drinking water, eating something nutritious, exercising, and resting). What are you focusing on this year? Who is up for joining me on the celebration, self compassion, and guts journey?

Who do you know who would like to be included on my “wins wall” to celebrate feeling more rested, connected, and/or thriving? Text me before you get distracted, and let me know! 916-579-4013. (Just tell me who you are and how you found me, because I don’t answer to just “Hello?” That’s creepy!)

OMG! She lost a child?!?! What do I possibly say to her? Why on earth is she a parent coach?

“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

This powerful quote resonated with me deeply during a recent cross-country trip with my sister, where we listened to Brené Brown’s audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability. It made me reflect on my own experiences with loss and how I navigate sympathy and empathy.

On our road trip in September, my sister and I listened to Brené talk about sympathy versus empathy. I got super triggered just hearing her talk about sympathy because I experience it all the time and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to be pitied for my loss. It feels awful. I don’t want to be someone who is pitied all the time. Yes, losing my child was and is painful. It sucked more than any other experience I have had. But I don’t want pity. I don’t want “your loss is the worst thing imaginable.” I mean, for one thing I know that in every pregnancy there are 3 babies: the perfect baby, the feared baby, and the real baby. And my baby was completely all 3: absolutely perfect, absolutely feared, and absolutely real.

The truth is that most of us experience loss at some point in our lives. Children grow up. They don’t stay little. Even if my son were still alive, he wouldn’t be a baby anymore. If he had been born healthy, he would be driving now! He would almost certainly be taller than me! And it wouldn’t be long before he would be thinking about moving out on his own.

So if I don’t want pity, what do I want instead?

“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown,Daring Greatly

I want to honor what I’ve lost by honoring what you have, by empowering you to live an awesome life! When you live a life that is healthy, joyful, and filled with strong relationships, I feel meaning and joy. I want to create a community that is a safe space where we do the hard things together. We

• imperfectly take care of our mental and physical health

• Prioritize empathy and do the work it takes to practice it

• Prioritize our relationships and learn skills to nurture them and to manage the inevitable conflicts

• Honor what you have. We take care of parents and we take care of kids and we take care of ourselves, because honestly we have to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others.

“You cannot claim to care about children and shame mothers for the choices they are making.” Brené Brown

You honor what I’ve lost when you are respectful of other parents even when you don’t agree with their choices.

Children learn what they live. My goal is to help children grow well by helping adults to do the work and the play to feel nurtured and playful and peaceful and to create community that is respectful and nurturing and empathetic. And when we mess up, we apologize and are held accountable.

In my community we listen to mentors such as Brené Brown and John and Julie Gottman and John Medina and Stuart Brown.

When I do something that blesses you, remember this:

“When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.” — Brené Brown,Daring Greatly

Please don’t pity my loss. Instead:

• Express gratitude or affection to your partner or your kid

• Tell people you love what you love about them

• Take care of your physical and mental health by drinking water, moving your body in a way that feels good, eating nutritious foods, or doing a meditation or a hypnosis or some journaling.

• Make laughter a priority.

• Share with other people how my support has helped you.

• Create rituals of love and connection in your family by talking about your day and providing opportunities to be seen and heard without advice.

Imagine a world focused on strengths, playful learning, and empowered parents. Let's create it together.

Imagine a world where strengths shine, play fuels learning, and parents are trusted as experts. Let's build this world together!

The world I want to live in focused on strengths over deficits. It is focused not only on what is going wrong, but it focuses more often on what is going right. In the world that I want to live in, we have rules for children that are based on the behaviors that we do want rather than the ones that we don’t want.

In this world, we do not look at developmental charts of what a child should be doing at a certain age. We figure out where a child is at right now in this moment and what is the next step in their development. We look at what is motivating to the child, and we use those motivators to inspire learning. It uses a growth mindset and breaks tasks into small, doable pieces.

The world I want to live in is playful. In their book Bright from the Start, Stamm and Spencer say “the critical link between play and learning – the reason we repeat something and therefore learn from it – is pleasure.”

In my world, we value parents as being the experts in their family and in their children. We encourage and inspire them to be the people that know their children best and we value their opinion about what will work for their child. We create a culture that inspires people to get to know their child well, and to continue to get to know them as they change over time.

In the world that I want to live in, people know that it isn’t fair to expect someone to think clearly when their lid is flipped. And we all work together to help each other to manage our lid flipping experiences, and we build calming rituals for those tough moments.