Making bedtime more predictable, controllable, and moderate for a smoother night!

Sometimes just STARTING the bedtime routine can be a real struggle. All the time, I remind parents that “Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate” (with thanks to Dr. Bruce Perry for the quote). So let’s explore some ways that we can help the bedtime routine to be predictable, controllable, and moderate. We’re going to work backwards and start with “moderate.”

A moderate level of challenge: Learning to wind down and to spread calm

One of the hardest parts of the bedtime routine is to learn to transition from activity to rest. The body needs to clear out cortisol (a stress hormone) and make melatonin (a “fall asleep” hormone). We need to learn activities that help us to stay still so that we can start to enter the early stages of sleep. Here are some key tips to support you.

In order to produce melatonin (which helps us to fall asleep), we need to reduce blue light in the evening. How? We can manually turn down the lights and opt for warm lights instead. We can choose smart lights and set them to automatically dim the lights in the evening and create a fake sunrise in the morning. We can try blue light reducing glasses. We can be sure that our devices are set to dark mode. One of the cheapest solutions is red night lights.
In order to clear out cortisol, it’s important to prioritize time to wind down from a busy day. What might that look like? Well, we can encourage children who are old enough to talk to tell the story of their day to promote calm and memory. Even before kids can talk, we can take pictures of their day and talk about them together during the bedtime routine!
In order to clear out cortisol, we adults can focus on spreading calm. We can take some deep belly breaths to calm ourselves before we start the bedtime routine. We can also brainstorm ways to S-L-O-W the bedtime routine down and ruthlessly eliminate hurry! I encourage parents often to pretend that you are inside of a sleep meditation (such as one of these on YouTube) or sleep story such as the Cozy Critters podcast. Do you notice how slowly they talk in a sleep story or a sleep meditation? How can you SLOW down your talking and your breathing to spread the calm?
We can give our kids a variety of choices of sensory activities that tell the body to start to move from silly to sleepy and settle down. We can choose something like doing a bicycle movement or a sensory circuit. One of my mamas who has a kiddo with autism recommended this calming sensory 1 hour on YouTube for autism (or any kid who likes it!). Other mamas I have worked with have recommended HeyBear on YouTube. Lot of kiddos love to wind down with blanket swing or “magic carpet” (dragging the kiddo around on the blanket if there’s no one available to pick up the other side of the blanket!).
Music is often a great way to spread calm. For example, I love the reverse psychology in Mary Poppins' Stay Awake. We can do as I did with Charlie and sing a song that brings peace and calm deep deep into our bones. Here’s a copy of my personal bedtime routine playlist on Apple Music (minus my personalized affirmations). Or here is Daniel Tiger’s bedtime song.
For adults and older children, yoga or stretching can be a great wind-down. My personal favorite is Mady Morrison because the music is calm and there is no talking!
Calming becomes an easier challenge when we can catch our kids in the “drowsy” state and help them to fall asleep before they go into the dreaded “second wind.” You know that moment where you think “you seemed so tired just a few moments ago but now you’re all wound up!”? That’s a sure sign that they are going to bed too late and missed the window of opportunity! Keep an eye on when your child is most likely to yawn or stare into space. Make note of it and see if it’s consistent, so that you can set your bedtime accordingly.

Predictable: Knowing what to expect

A key component of reducing stress around the bedtime routine is to help kids know what to expect. We can be high tech about it (such as The Huckleberry MagicSteps app or Daniel Tiger’s sleep game). Or we can be low tech (using things like pretend play, putting a baby or stuffed animal to sleep, books and songs).

We can make a custom sleep book that tells the story of our particular bedtime routine. This strategy is awesome because we can make the book together as a family, and we can be sure to incorporate anything that the child is likely to ask for to keep us coming back to them (such as milk or water, a last potty break, etc.). This is something that I LOVE to do in coaching!

Here is an example of a wind-down routine or a Complete sample after school routine https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-oTqYfRiRQ/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Books and songs and stories can be a great way to help kids know (and remember) what to expect. For example, here are some resources from Sesame Street on sleep: Elmo’s bedtime compilation; the Count; Bert & Ernie. Does your child have a favorite character from a book or show? If so, check to see if they have any shows or books specifically focused on sleep!

Controllable: Choices that are ok with us

Last but not least, stress that builds resilience is controllable. That means that we have some choices. And it really can help with compliance when we give away as many choices as we can! Give away power that you don’t need! We DON’T want to ask “Do you want to go to bed?” because that isn’t a choice! But within the framework that it’s time to go to bed, we can offer choices such as: Do you want to go to your bedroom like a princess or like a unicorn? Do you want to go like a train or like a dinosaur? If you plan ahead, you can offer the choice of “Do you want to go to bed now or in 5 minutes?” (and set a timer). Do you want your red pajamas or your blue pajamas? Do you want grape toothpaste or strawberry toothpaste? Which 2 stories do you want?

Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate.

Your mission if you choose to accept it is to choose one strategy from each category and give it a try! What works for you? Please share!