The real reason I have my own business. Hint: It’s about you AND me.
Nesting parties ask us to re-think the way that we celebrate new parents and challenge us to focus on what the expecting parents need. It’s really less of a party and more of an opportunity to provide the family help.
Unlike baby showers, “Nesting parties shift the focus from stuff to support to help families prepare their homes and hearts for life with a new baby,” explains Lara Elfstrand, the pediatric sleep practitioner of Little Elf Family Services.
As the marriage apocalypse warrior (also known as the awesome, differentiating, behavior-changing ninja), I help couples to fight against behaviors that predict the end: (left to right) contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.
Sometimes just STARTING the bedtime routine can be a real struggle. All the time, I remind parents that “Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate” (with thanks to Dr. Bruce Perry for the quote). So let’s explore some ways that we can help the bedtime routine to be predictable, controllable, and moderate. We’re going to work backwards and start with “moderate.”
My favorite sleep teacher, Charlie Elfstrand, even though I have certainly learned a lot from the human variety as well!
Lot of times people ask me about sleep training and “cry it out” methods, and I think that what is happening in my house right now is a great example of my beliefs and strategies as of March 2025. Keep in mind that I am scheduled to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (based on years of attachment research) in April 2025, so please stay tuned to see if or how that changes things!. From what I can tell so far, this fits really nicely.
TLDR: I am focused on coregulation, creating a sense of DEEP calm in my body that I can spread through singing and presence, observation of how much stimulation is helpful (or not!), and use a custom approach based on the individual.
On Friday night I decided to resume doing sleep training with Charlie. When I say that, here’s what I mean.
I am stretching his self-soothing muscles by creating a calm deep inside my body and focusing on spreading that calm while also noticing how much stimulation and attention is helpful and how much is unhelpful. Yesterday was a calmer day for us than other recent days, so I figured that he had more capacity for practicing. Also the quality of the barking had a sad sound to it that said he was tired and was fighting sleep and wanted to be with me, maybe didn’t want to sleep, but it didn’t sound like he was afraid or scared or panicing.
Here are my notes from last night:
I put on some ridiculously soothing music that is singing about things like “love is here now” and “let the water wash away your tears, let the fire burn away your fears.” (A HUGE thank you to Alexia Chellun for her musical contribution to our success tonight!) I am singing along to it the best as I can (imperfect is more than fine! He does not care!). I put one hand on my chest and the other on my belly so that I can focus on taking deep, soothing belly breaths (attempting not to move my chest hand with my breath but to feel the warmth of my hand there and to feel the breath in my diaphragm/in my belly). I am rocking and soothing myself to create a ridiculously soothing, confident environment. I am closing my eyes so that he is not able to engage with me, and because it lets me focus on the feeling of my hand on my chest and of being enveloped by the soothing sounds of the music. The crate is covered on 3 sides, and the pen around it also is covered. So he can come out of the crate and maybe see the top of my head to know that I am here with him, but the stimulation level is low. And little by little I am moving away from the crate. As I make sounds, he is getting up again, but each time he is settling a little bit faster than the time before. To me, it feels right. It feels like a level of challenge that is not too easy but not too overwhelming. He got practice at the crate and at soothing himself to sleep, but with an environment that is as peaceful and confident as I can absolutely possibly make it. And he has now had 3 weeks of supplements so I know that his nutrition is improving. Now we will see if I can start to move around the kitchen and do the dishes.
I wasn’t “responding” with words or with eye contact or even visual contact, but I was responding by spreading my calm presence. I was saying “You’re ok”— not by saying “you’re ok” but by spreading my calm.
Morning Update: Charlie went out for an evening potty break around 9 PM and took a long time to settle back into sleep afterwards. His final bark was around 11 PM. Again, the barks didn’t sound like panic but of struggle to sleep. He is strengthening his settling muscle. And again, I used belly breathing as a way to calm him. In fact, I did my evening stretches as a way to wind myself down for sleep but I chose to do them in the living room so that I would be close enough to the crate so that he could know that I was with him (but not so close that he would be too distracted trying to get my attention)..
Afternoon Update: The noise sensitivity is real. And T Berry Brazelton used to say that development is not linear, and that is definitely proving to be true. We had a great morning with a nice walk and plenty of interaction time. Then I put him down for an afternoon nap. It was the first in-the-crate afternoon nap in weeks. Again, he seemed at first to settle easily. But then I would make a noise and he would come back out of the crate to see what I was doing. Then he was starting to settle, and it happened again. I tried to do my stretch video, but this time he could see me and he isn’t as familiar with that music. No go. He was getting more worked up, not less. All needs were met and my goal was and is to spread calm. I decided to take a shower. In the past, showering in the shower next to the crate has been calming. And I was right. He calmed down to the sound of the water. (Sadly, so far when I have tried water sounds on the iPad or sound machine, it didn’t work the same way! Still brainstorming there). Yet again he got up when the shower turned off. But as I got out of the shower, he was able to settle. And I decided to be as quiet as possible, because after all of those starts and stops I think he just needed a chance to actually settle without being interrupted. His “settling muscle” had been strengthened enough for one nap! So I sneaked quietly across the hall to my office to write this blog. He stayed asleep until my hubby got home, and then he slept on his bed next to my computer for a bit until he heard another noise.
Consider gut health and looking for ways to improve things like hydration; intake of fruits, veggies, meats, and fermented foods; reducing things like pesticides and food colorings and food additives; exercise; using breathing as a way to calm and de-stress and to create a positive, calm mood worth spreading
Consider how you can take a “stress break” and make the day as soothing as possible. If possible, choose a day when the stress levels have been lower than other days.
Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate (credit: Dr. Bruce Perry). The timing of when Charlie goes into the crate is pretty predictable: he has an afternoon nap and a time that he sleeps at night. And today before he went into the crate, I reviewed the plan with him. I literally told him that within the next half hour he was going to go into the crate, then I was going to close the door and sing to him while he went to sleep, and then I would come back for him before he needs his dinner. I am reading his cues to figure out how to give him as many choices as I can come up with that still allow him to get his sleep and me to be able to get my needs met too. And I am looking for ways to make the self-soothing practice a moderate level of challenge: not too easy but also not letting him bark and loose his mind for hours. In the end, he was calm more than he was upset even though the process has taken sometimes a couple of hours as he is settling and then getting up and then settling again.
Consider how to soothe yourself and create a spa-like environment for sleep'
Consider how to keep then level of stimulation low with lots of opportunities to know that they are loved and safe but very few opportunities for interaction when it’s time to actually start sleeping.
What lullabies do you know that sing about love and belonging and peace and acceptance? Are there songs that make YOU feel safe and loved and confident and peaceful? For some ideas, check out my pre-sleep playlist.
I’ve been reading Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman et al., and I signed up to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (coming up in April!). As I learn more about Circle of Security, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what it means to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. To me, this method of sleep training fits with that because it is focused on finding the “just right challenge”, spreading calm, and being with Charlie as he works to figure it out… yet stepping back when it seems like that’s what he needs. Stay tuned for more information about Circle of Security and attachment!
Have a trip coming up with your children? Here are some things to keep in mind to keep everyone feeling rested and getting along!
First, set aside some time before the trip to make a plan. See if you can find out what the space will be like where you are traveling. Are there options that would allow each person to have their own space? If you’re traveling to an event, what are the options for quiet? Consider your child’s personality and needs. What are key elements of their routine and of their sleep space that you can re-create in the new environment? (This is a great topic to create “Family Meeting Magic”. To get started, download my free PDF now which will get you signed up to hear more about my upcoming parenting summit!)
According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s “Three Ways to Sleep Like a Pro Athlete”, “For each time zone you travel through, it will take one day for your body to adjust your circadian rhythm to your new location. So, if you cross three time zones on a coast-to-coast flight, you’ll need three days to adjust.” So keep that in mind as you are planning your time.
1) How much sleep does each child typically get during the day? How long do they tend to be able to stay awake happily? Is there a way that you can re-create the amount of daytime sleep, the amount of nighttime sleep, and the amount of time that they are awake during the day, even if the schedule itself changes a bit?
2) What are the options for getting in some sunlight or time outdoors during the day? See if you can explore your options.
3) What are your options for getting in some physical movement or fun exercise while you are away? Can you have a morning dance party? Can you walk or hike or swim?
If you can, leave time to wind down from the busy day! Try to keep your bedtime routine as close to normal as you can. Bring the things from home that you can easily pack. Make a list as part of your family pre-meeting! Do your kids benefit from a bath before bed? A story? Some quiet music?
“Crashing into bed to try to hit eight hours of sleep may not be helpful if your body is still stressed or full of energy. If you get seven and a half hours of sleep and use those 30 minutes to wind down by listening to a podcast, reading a book, or doing any calming activity – that break might just be more beneficial than rushing to bed and struggling to fall asleep” (Three ways to sleep like a pro athelete). For example, I found that my deep sleep scores on my Apple Watch were looking really low. Then last night I did a 15 minute stretch to quiet, soothing music before bed and my deep sleep scores more than doubled! That’s just one person over the course of a few nights, but it’s something to keep in mind as you prepare for your trip!
Other nighttime strategies to remember:
Keep the room cool, dark, and quiet
Can you bring some white noise? What can you do to support the sound environment for each person?
Can you turn off screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime or at least make sure that your blue light filtering is working effectively on those screens?
I’m always thinking about “What are the things I can control? And what are the things I can’t control and need to let go of?” The serenity prayer: Give me peace to accept the things I can’t change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. With some planning, you can help everyone to feel more rested and advocate for the needs of you and your child. And then your mission is to relax and go with the flow for the rest. Enjoy your travels!
Center for Pediatric Sleep Management
www.sleepeducation.org from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine: Best ways to improve sleep without medication and Three Ways to Sleep like a Pro Athlete.
Resources:
©Lara Elfstrand, MA ECSE, IF-ATMHP - Little Elf Family Services, P.O. Box 5098, Auburn, CA 95604
