Tired & Stressed? These Simple Habits Will Change Your Life

Routines have been a fundamental part of my life since I got married (25 years ago!) and especially during times when I’ve had a young child and/or a dog at home (the last 16+ years). Here are some of my favorite sources of my favorite routines. The challenging part is to not try to do them all at once! Pick one or two to start with! Break things into small pieces, and if you need some support, read out to me and let’s chat!

Remember DEER:

Drink water

Eat something nutritious

Exercise

Rest

DEER: Drink water, Eat something nutritious, Exercise, and Rest. I learned this acronym from GriefShare, and I use it pretty much all the time. I ask my body: Body, what do you need next? Do you need some water, food, movement, or rest? Then I read Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Dr. Elisa Song, and she calls it the “5 Things Challenge” for gut health. Part II of the book is: Create microbiome magic with the 5 things your child does every day: hydrate, nourish (what we eat or don’t eat), move, breathe, and prioritize sleep. Can you see how these 5 things are exactly the same 5 things as DEER? Rest is just broken down into two pieces: breathing and prioritizing sleep!

Once the DEER basics are in place, I would take a look at relationship routines. For that I would go to the Gottman Institute for the 6 hours a week to a better relationship. While 6 hours seems like a lot, many of them are things that take less than 10 minutes a day, and truthfully you are probably doing many of them without even realizing it. For example, we can create routines for kissing hello and goodbye to our partner or for giving long hugs to our kids. We can create routines for physical affection, for the “how was your day?” conversation, and for expressing appreciation and fondness to one another. The key is to turn them from unconscious and inconsistent to conscious and growing in consistency.

To me, routines are important because they help us to break tasks into smaller pieces and reduce overwhelm. One of the first ways that I learned to do this is with FlyLady.net way back as a newlywed. She says “I can do anything for 15 minutes!” I tend to say “I can do anything for 3 minutes!” but the concept is the same. Her work was influential for me to learn to reduce perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and to do one baby step at a time.

Guiding Families Toward Rest, Connection, and Joy

At Little Elf Family Services, I believe that parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Families thrive when they feel supported, equipped, and empowered, and my work is designed to help parents move from exhaustion and frustration to confidence and joy.

As a sleep consultant, marriage and parenting coach, and early childhood special educator, I blend evidence-based strategies with compassionate support. My approach draws from experts like John & Julie Gottman, Bruce Perry, Stewart Brown, Brené Brown, and Dan Siegel, helping families find solutions that align with their values and unique needs.

A Calm & Connected Approach to Parenting

Parenting can feel overwhelming, but struggle and confrontation don’t have to be the norm. Clients often express relief when they realize they don’t have to panic over each new challenge. Instead, they learn to approach problems with a steady, thoughtful perspective, making small shifts that create lasting positive change.

“We knew we didn't need to panic when facing a new problem as you would be there, guiding us.”
“We’re also constantly amazed by how your parenting philosophy has minimized confrontation and struggle, and allowed us to focus on the happy and joyful moments that our child brings us.”

Empowering Families with Practical Tools

I provide resources, guidance, and encouragement—but the real magic happens when families take those tools and make them their own. My work isn’t about fixing families; it’s about helping them find their own strengths and rhythm.

"She won’t do the work for you—but she will give you resources, tools, and support to do it yourself. And she will be cheering you on every step of the way.”

Science-Backed Strategies for Real-Life Parenting

From gentle start-up conversations (a Gottman-based approach that reduces conflict) to completing stress cycles (so parents don’t carry frustration day after day), my work is rooted in strategies that make a real difference. Laughter, connection, and small, consistent changes help families shift from surviving to thriving.

"We are better parents, a better couple, and better people for knowing her and having worked with her."

Whether you’re navigating infant sleep, toddler emotions, or the ups and downs of parenting, my goal is to help you feel rested, connected, and confident—so you can focus on what truly matters: the joyful moments in family life.

**This post was created by ChatGPT to summarize my work and includes real testimonials from real people that I have served. I love it and it fits me beautifully, so I am sharing it here.

Breathing Techniques for Kids

Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster!

While we are on the topic of breathing, here are some other breathing strategies that I recommend to my clients often:

• Kira Willey’s Mindful Moments for Kids

• Conscious Discipline breathing exercises for kids and parents (YouTube playlist)

• My favorite Conscious Discipline breathing video

While researching for this blog post, I also found this cute puffer fish that goes up and down as you breathe and I kind of love it!

Also I love to remind parents that blowing bubbles is an awesome way to practice breathing! Blow big bubbles to practice slow, calm breaths. Then see how you can blow many small bubbles when you breathe faster! Can you blow bubbles with belly breathing? Just know that shaking bubbles or waving the wand inside of the bubble solution will make the solution get foamy and stop working.

Reminder: Why practice breathing with your kids? It builds calm. It tells the brain that they are safe, which can help them to think more clearly and make better decisions. It can help to reduce cortisol, which can be helpful as part of a pre-sleep routine to help prepare the body for rest and shut off from a busy day. It also helps with gut health, according to Dr. Elisa Song of the book Healthy Kids, Happy Kids.

Lessons on sleep training from one of my favorite teachers: Charlie "the dog" Elfstrand

Lessons from Charlie about sleep training:

My favorite sleep teacher, Charlie Elfstrand, even though I have certainly learned a lot from the human variety as well!

Lot of times people ask me about sleep training and “cry it out” methods, and I think that what is happening in my house right now is a great example of my beliefs and strategies as of March 2025. Keep in mind that I am scheduled to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (based on years of attachment research) in April 2025, so please stay tuned to see if or how that changes things!. From what I can tell so far, this fits really nicely.

TLDR: I am focused on coregulation, creating a sense of DEEP calm in my body that I can spread through singing and presence, observation of how much stimulation is helpful (or not!), and use a custom approach based on the individual.

On Friday night I decided to resume doing sleep training with Charlie. When I say that, here’s what I mean.

I am stretching his self-soothing muscles by creating a calm deep inside my body and focusing on spreading that calm while also noticing how much stimulation and attention is helpful and how much is unhelpful. Yesterday was a calmer day for us than other recent days, so I figured that he had more capacity for practicing. Also the quality of the barking had a sad sound to it that said he was tired and was fighting sleep and wanted to be with me, maybe didn’t want to sleep, but it didn’t sound like he was afraid or scared or panicing.

How am I doing it?

Here are my notes from last night:

I put on some ridiculously soothing music that is singing about things like “love is here now” and “let the water wash away your tears, let the fire burn away your fears.” (A HUGE thank you to Alexia Chellun for her musical contribution to our success tonight!) I am singing along to it the best as I can (imperfect is more than fine! He does not care!). I put one hand on my chest and the other on my belly so that I can focus on taking deep, soothing belly breaths (attempting not to move my chest hand with my breath but to feel the warmth of my hand there and to feel the breath in my diaphragm/in my belly). I am rocking and soothing myself to create a ridiculously soothing, confident environment. I am closing my eyes so that he is not able to engage with me, and because it lets me focus on the feeling of my hand on my chest and of being enveloped by the soothing sounds of the music. The crate is covered on 3 sides, and the pen around it also is covered. So he can come out of the crate and maybe see the top of my head to know that I am here with him, but the stimulation level is low. And little by little I am moving away from the crate. As I make sounds, he is getting up again, but each time he is settling a little bit faster than the time before. To me, it feels right. It feels like a level of challenge that is not too easy but not too overwhelming. He got practice at the crate and at soothing himself to sleep, but with an environment that is as peaceful and confident as I can absolutely possibly make it. And he has now had 3 weeks of supplements so I know that his nutrition is improving. Now we will see if I can start to move around the kitchen and do the dishes.

I wasn’t “responding” with words or with eye contact or even visual contact, but I was responding by spreading my calm presence. I was saying “You’re ok”— not by saying “you’re ok” but by spreading my calm.

Morning Update: Charlie went out for an evening potty break around 9 PM and took a long time to settle back into sleep afterwards. His final bark was around 11 PM. Again, the barks didn’t sound like panic but of struggle to sleep. He is strengthening his settling muscle. And again, I used belly breathing as a way to calm him. In fact, I did my evening stretches as a way to wind myself down for sleep but I chose to do them in the living room so that I would be close enough to the crate so that he could know that I was with him (but not so close that he would be too distracted trying to get my attention)..

Afternoon Update: The noise sensitivity is real. And T Berry Brazelton used to say that development is not linear, and that is definitely proving to be true. We had a great morning with a nice walk and plenty of interaction time. Then I put him down for an afternoon nap. It was the first in-the-crate afternoon nap in weeks. Again, he seemed at first to settle easily. But then I would make a noise and he would come back out of the crate to see what I was doing. Then he was starting to settle, and it happened again. I tried to do my stretch video, but this time he could see me and he isn’t as familiar with that music. No go. He was getting more worked up, not less. All needs were met and my goal was and is to spread calm. I decided to take a shower. In the past, showering in the shower next to the crate has been calming. And I was right. He calmed down to the sound of the water. (Sadly, so far when I have tried water sounds on the iPad or sound machine, it didn’t work the same way! Still brainstorming there). Yet again he got up when the shower turned off. But as I got out of the shower, he was able to settle. And I decided to be as quiet as possible, because after all of those starts and stops I think he just needed a chance to actually settle without being interrupted. His “settling muscle” had been strengthened enough for one nap! So I sneaked quietly across the hall to my office to write this blog. He stayed asleep until my hubby got home, and then he slept on his bed next to my computer for a bit until he heard another noise.

So what are some takeaways that you could use with your kid(s)?

During the day:

• Consider gut health and looking for ways to improve things like hydration; intake of fruits, veggies, meats, and fermented foods; reducing things like pesticides and food colorings and food additives; exercise; using breathing as a way to calm and de-stress and to create a positive, calm mood worth spreading

• Consider how you can take a “stress break” and make the day as soothing as possible. If possible, choose a day when the stress levels have been lower than other days.

• Stress that builds resilience is predictable, controllable, and moderate (credit: Dr. Bruce Perry). The timing of when Charlie goes into the crate is pretty predictable: he has an afternoon nap and a time that he sleeps at night. And today before he went into the crate, I reviewed the plan with him. I literally told him that within the next half hour he was going to go into the crate, then I was going to close the door and sing to him while he went to sleep, and then I would come back for him before he needs his dinner. I am reading his cues to figure out how to give him as many choices as I can come up with that still allow him to get his sleep and me to be able to get my needs met too. And I am looking for ways to make the self-soothing practice a moderate level of challenge: not too easy but also not letting him bark and loose his mind for hours. In the end, he was calm more than he was upset even though the process has taken sometimes a couple of hours as he is settling and then getting up and then settling again.

SETTLING FOR SLEEP

• Consider how to soothe yourself and create a spa-like environment for sleep'

• Consider how to keep then level of stimulation low with lots of opportunities to know that they are loved and safe but very few opportunities for interaction when it’s time to actually start sleeping.

• What lullabies do you know that sing about love and belonging and peace and acceptance? Are there songs that make YOU feel safe and loved and confident and peaceful? For some ideas, check out my pre-sleep playlist.

I’ve been reading Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman et al., and I signed up to become a Circle of Security Facilitator (coming up in April!). As I learn more about Circle of Security, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what it means to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. To me, this method of sleep training fits with that because it is focused on finding the “just right challenge”, spreading calm, and being with Charlie as he works to figure it out… yet stepping back when it seems like that’s what he needs. Stay tuned for more information about Circle of Security and attachment!