Tired & Stressed? These Simple Habits Will Change Your Life

Routines have been a fundamental part of my life since I got married (25 years ago!) and especially during times when I’ve had a young child and/or a dog at home (the last 16+ years). Here are some of my favorite sources of my favorite routines. The challenging part is to not try to do them all at once! Pick one or two to start with! Break things into small pieces, and if you need some support, read out to me and let’s chat!

Remember DEER:

Drink water

Eat something nutritious

Exercise

Rest

DEER: Drink water, Eat something nutritious, Exercise, and Rest. I learned this acronym from GriefShare, and I use it pretty much all the time. I ask my body: Body, what do you need next? Do you need some water, food, movement, or rest? Then I read Healthy Kids, Happy Kids by Dr. Elisa Song, and she calls it the “5 Things Challenge” for gut health. Part II of the book is: Create microbiome magic with the 5 things your child does every day: hydrate, nourish (what we eat or don’t eat), move, breathe, and prioritize sleep. Can you see how these 5 things are exactly the same 5 things as DEER? Rest is just broken down into two pieces: breathing and prioritizing sleep!

Once the DEER basics are in place, I would take a look at relationship routines. For that I would go to the Gottman Institute for the 6 hours a week to a better relationship. While 6 hours seems like a lot, many of them are things that take less than 10 minutes a day, and truthfully you are probably doing many of them without even realizing it. For example, we can create routines for kissing hello and goodbye to our partner or for giving long hugs to our kids. We can create routines for physical affection, for the “how was your day?” conversation, and for expressing appreciation and fondness to one another. The key is to turn them from unconscious and inconsistent to conscious and growing in consistency.

To me, routines are important because they help us to break tasks into smaller pieces and reduce overwhelm. One of the first ways that I learned to do this is with FlyLady.net way back as a newlywed. She says “I can do anything for 15 minutes!” I tend to say “I can do anything for 3 minutes!” but the concept is the same. Her work was influential for me to learn to reduce perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and to do one baby step at a time.

The #1 secret to healthy relationships

Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that you later regretted—criticizing or blaming a loved one, shutting down, or getting defensive? Understanding why this happens is key to building healthy relationships.

One of the most powerful tools for understanding our reactions comes from Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. This simple yet profound model helps us see why we sometimes lose control in moments of stress and how we can regain balance.

The Hand Model of the Brain

Hand model of the brain. This is Lara’s hand. The illustration is by Dr. Dan Siegel

Put your hand up in front of you. Your hand can serve as a simplified model of the brain:

• Forearm: Represents the spinal cord, where information flows between the body and the brain.

• Palm/Base of the Brain: Represents the brainstem, which regulates essential functions like heart rate and breathing.

• Thumb (Folded into Palm): Represents the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.

• Fingers (Wrapped Over the Thumb): Represent the cortex, the thinking brain, which helps with reasoning, problem-solving, and self-control.

At the base of the brain, there’s a “gatekeeper” (the fancy word is neuroception) constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is yes, our thinking brain stays engaged, allowing us to respond thoughtfully. If the answer is no, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and we “flip our lid”—losing access to clear thinking and reacting impulsively instead. To see this illustration explained by the creator, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Why This Matters in Relationships

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

Before I learned about the hand model, I had heard of fight or flight, but I didn’t understand how it affected my relationships. Here’s a real-life example:

I was cooking dinner and grabbed a pan that had just been in the oven. Instantly, my brain didn’t wait for a careful decision—it reacted immediately, making me pull my hand away. This is an example of my brain protecting me in a moment of danger.

But here’s the problem: our brains don’t distinguish between physical danger (a hot pan) and emotional danger (a hurtful comment from a loved one). If someone I care about criticizes me, blames me, or says something that feels insulting, my brain reacts the same way—it flips the lid, and I lose access to my thinking brain. This is when we tend to use behaviors that damage relationships, like criticism, mockery, withdrawing from the interaction, or reacting defensively.

How to Prevent “Lid-Flipping Fests”

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.

1. Recognize when your lid is flipping. Create a family culture where it’s safe to take a break to calm down before responding, and where trust is built by coming back to the discussion and continuing the discussion after you are calm.

2. Take at least 20 minutes to calm both body and mind. It takes time for stress hormones to clear. But be mindful—if you spend that time ruminating on how unfair or frustrating the situation is, you won’t actually calm down. Instead, you can read a book, watch something that makes you laugh, or try a progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Teach good behavior to your child before or after a tantrum. When a child’s lid is flipped, they literally can’t hear or process logic. Teach problem-solving skills when they’re calm.

4. Focus on respect and clarity. When we stay calm, we can express our needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame. This helps keep the conversation productive and prevents unnecessary hurt.

Understanding how our brain works in moments of stress allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a game-changer for strengthening relationships with our partners, children, and loved ones.

For a deeper dive, check out this video by Dr. Dan Siegel.

Want to learn more about the behaviors that predict relationship meltdowns? Watch this video of Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper.

Want tips on how to express needs without criticism, sarcasm, or blame? Watch this video of Dr. Julie Gottman.