My husband calls me the “marriage apocalypse warrior”. Find out why.
I love to help couples to create families that are filled with happiness and where they have tools to manage conflict and stress, so that they can stay connected and satisfied over the long haul. One of my many favorite tools to do that is what the Gottman Institute calls the “Four Horsemen.” Just like the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the book of Revelations, these are the 4 behaviors that predict the end of a relationship. If you’re not into that kind of thing, you might also call them “the 4 poisons”. These behaviors are harmful both in our marriages and with our kids. A key component of a healthy family is to know how to identify these behaviors and also to be able to replace these behaviors with their antidotes! By doing that, we create healthier relationships with our partners and our kids, and we can even help our children to improve relationships between siblings. So what are these divorce-predicting, relationship-destroying behaviors? Let’s dig in!
Contempt (shown above, left). Contempt is shown above with eye rolling and a mocking posture. It includes insults, name-calling, sarcasm, mockery, and hostile humor. It is similar to criticism, but it’s criticism with an air of superiority. The antidote to contempt is to create a culture of appreciation.
Defensiveness (second from left). How do you respond if you feel mocked or criticized? Often we respond with a shield or a counter attack of defensiveness. Defensiveness includes whining, negative body language, and believing that the problem is all your partner (or your child’s) fault. Defensiveness involves denying any responsibility for the problem. The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for some part of the problem. It’s helpful to think of putting the problem out in front of us so that we can work through it together, as a team, rather than putting the problem between us and fighting each other.
Criticism (third from left). Criticism is often seen through pointing fingers. Criticism suggests that the problem is your partner or your child’s character defect. It usually involves statements such as “you always” or “you never.” To reduce criticism in your home, the key is to describe specific behaviors that bother us and to express our needs without blaming the other person’s character.
Stonewalling (right). Stonewalling is when a person gets so upset and emotionally flooded by the situation that they withdraw and stop responding. According to the Gottman blog, the goal of the silent treatment is to hurt the other person, whereas the goal of stonewalling is self preservation. The person who is stonewalling is thinking something like “Just don’t say anything. You’ll just make it worse.” The trouble is that when our partner stops responding, we tend to feel abandoned and push harder. The antidote to stonewalling is to create a culture where we say “I need to take a break. Let’s separate for 30 minutes to calm down and talk about this again once we are calm.”
As the marriage apocalypse warrior, I am the guide that can help you to reduce these harmful behaviors in yourselves and in your children. It’s important that when our child or our partner feels critical, for example, we don’t just criticize them back!
To get started, download this summary of the 4 horsemen and put it somewhere that will remind you to identify these behaviors and use their antidotes! And know that the marriage apocalypse warrior is here to support you. Schedule a free consultation by texting 916-579-4013.
Notes:
Many thanks to my fellow improvisors at the Sacramento Comedy Spot for helping to act out the battle!
In case you are curious, my shirt says “My title is special educator because awesome, differentiating, behavior-changing ninja is too long for my resume.” It’s not only true, but it also seemed appropriate for a behavior-changing warrior!
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