I love what Will Smith has to say about fault versus responsibility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-E9ag
Blaming is a way that we discharge anger
Welcome to the "Accepting Responsibility" Challenge
We are working on reducing the "4 Horsemen" from our relationships. In January we worked on identifying when we notice criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling in our relationships. In February we practiced the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we practiced the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. This month, instead of choosing blame and defensiveness, we are going to practice choosing responsibility and accountability.
Clearly stating what we need
Once we are able to describe the problem without judging the other person, it is important that we are able to clearly tell the person what it is we need. If we can do that, we are giving them the tools that they need to meet our need. Describing our needs in clear terms opens the discussion about what may or may not be realistic. It can be hard to state our needs when we feel that we might be rejected, but it is the way to set ourselves up for success.
Being polite and appreciative
We all need to feel appreciated. When we say "please" and "thank you", we show respect to our partner and we are modeling good habits for our children. We can say "I really appreciate it when we do the dishes together. It makes me feel like I am part of a great team. Is there any way we can do the dishes together more often?"
Describing our feelings
One strategy for complaining without blaming is to talk about our own feelings rather than talking about the other person. If we don't know what we are feeling, it is probably safe to say that we feel "upset." Describing how we feel and how our children feel is a great way to increase children's awareness of feelings as well.
If you are looking for some help in describing how you feel, check out this feelings chart.
Using a softened start-up; making statements that start with "I"
According to research by Dr. John Gottman, the way that a conversation starts is often the way that it will end. Therefore, if we can phrase our complaints by stating our feelings and our needs, rather than attacking the other person, we are helping our partner to know how they can support us. We are less likely to seem critical when our statements start with "I" instead of "you." We can say something like "When... I feel... I need..."
Welcome to the "Complain without blaming" challenge!
This month we are focusing on the antidote to criticism: learning to complain about a problem without blaming or attacking the other person's character. Each Monday I will be posting ideas for how to do this well.
Check out this video from Dr. Julie Gottman about how to complain without blaming.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #4: Associate thankfulness with a daily ritual
One way that we can practice gratitude is to create gratitude rituals associated with a time of day. For example:
Mealtimes: We can make a routine at mealtimes to share what we are thankful for. When we do this, we increase our ratio of positives to negatives, we increase fondness and affection, and we get to know each other better.
Culture of appreciation practice #3: schedule it and breathe it
Another strategy that we can use to increase gratitude in our lives is to set an alarm or a daily event on our calendar that reminds us to stop and consider what we are thankful for. We could even consider adding an element of focused breathing... taking just one minute a day to breathe deeply and to think about what we are thankful for. We get extra credit for sharing what we are thankful for with another person when we are done!
"Culture of appreciation" practice #2: say it
Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to think about how we express our affection and thankfulness to the people that we care about. It's an opportunity to say, "I'm so thankful for who you are and for the joy that you bring to my life."
One way that we can do this on a regular basis is to use a strategy called "positive descriptive acknowledgements." We say something specific that the person did, with an adjective about how it describes the person, such as desired character trait or expectation.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #3: journal it
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #1: write it down
A great way to start this month of appreciation is to take time to write down what we are thankful for. We can do this in a few different ways, such as a gratitude journal and thank you notes or even "you rock" notes.
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
Welcome to the "culture of appreciation" challenge!
This month our challenge is to create a culture of appreciation in our homes and in our lives. Each Monday I will present ideas, and I encourage you to let me know what works for you!
Why focus on appreciation? Creating a culture of appreciation is the antidote for contempt, which is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships according to research by Dr. Gottman at the University of Seattle. When we fight contempt, we improve teamwork in our relationships.
Join us for upcoming challenges!
Over the next four months, our challenges are going to focus on the antidotes to the "four horsemen." In February we are going to focus on the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we will focus on the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. In April, we will focus on the antidote to defensiveness: accepting responsibility for our part of the problem. In May, we will focus on the antidote to stonewalling: taking breaks to calm down. Join me and the Little Elf family as we strengthen our families and make our lives more positive and playful!
The battle between play and eduction
So often it seems like there is a battle going on between play and education. Many people seem to feel that education is something that must be done sitting in rows at desks, and that worksheets are the most sure way to teach and to learn. Yet play is so important for children, and many parents and schools overlook play as unimportant. The following quote describes a study that was done to see how play impacts learning. Specifically, they tested to see if there was a correlation between literacy and time spent in sociodramatic play.
Date night challenge
Experiment: Watch a movie and see if you can find examples of "The Four Horsemen" and/or their antidotes. What movie did you watch? What did you learn? Share what you learned!
The antidote to stonewalling: taking a break
We tend to stonewall when we feel attacked or "flooded".
Take a look at this video from Julie Gottman describing the importance of taking a break, and how to do it effectively.
Stonewalling
What stonewalling means is that we become so upset by the interaction that we shut down. The listener withdrawals from the interaction, usually out of fear that speaking will make the problem worse. Stonewalling appears to be an attempt to withdraw to calm down or to self-soothe.
The antidote to stonewalling is to take a break from the discussion. As part of Dr. Gottman's research, he asked couples in his love lab to discuss a topic that they experienced conflict about.
