Nesting parties ask us to re-think the way that we celebrate new parents and challenge us to focus on what the expecting parents need. It’s really less of a party and more of an opportunity to provide the family help.
Unlike baby showers, “Nesting parties shift the focus from stuff to support to help families prepare their homes and hearts for life with a new baby,” explains Lara Elfstrand, the pediatric sleep practitioner of Little Elf Family Services.
As the marriage apocalypse warrior (also known as the awesome, differentiating, behavior-changing ninja), I help couples to fight against behaviors that predict the end: (left to right) contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.
Three of the top skills of a value driven professional—a person who excels in their workplace—are: they know how to de escalate drama; they know how to accept feedback as a gift, and they know the right way to engage in conflict (according to Donald Miller in his book Business Made Simple). And you know what? Those are skills that I teach in my coaching and in my Gottman Bringing Baby Home classes. They're also skills that make for a great parent and that help us to have a more peaceful, nurturing postpartum period.
When we are contemptuous, we make ourselves feel superior to the person we are with. We use insults or name-calling. We use sarcasm. We are cynical. We use mockery and hostile humor. Our body language may include sneering or rolling our eyes.
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen.
The antidote to contemptuousness is to create a culture of appreciation. (Note that we talked about this during the 5:1 ratio challenge.)
Defensiveness means that we are denying any responsibility for the problem. We often use negative body language. We believe that the problem is all our partner's fault (or our child's fault, etc.) When we feel defensive, we respond to a complaint with another complaint. We whine. We feel attacked.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept some responsibility for our part of the problem.
Our first goal is to recognize when we are being critical. Criticism is defined as attacking the character of a person. It involves suggesting that the problem is related to a defect in the other person's character. It often involves phrases such as "you always" or "you never." The antidote to criticism is to complain about behavior without attacking the person. We do this by practicing a gentle start-up. When we feel attacked, we take a break to calm down before bringing up the issue. When we are calm, we can think more clearly and express the problem in terms like "When you [state the problem behavior], I feel [hurt, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc.]. I need..."
In order to create a home where children can learn and thrive, we are focusing this month on building a strong parenting team. There are many aspects to what it means to be a good team player. But for now:
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to identify when Dr. Gottman's "four horsemen" (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are happening in your family, and to use their antidotes to defeat them.
To get started, check out our January newsletter.
Then watch this video from the Gottman Institute.
Some more ways that I am experimenting with play:
Play builds strong bodies and strong minds. Because play allows children to practice situations before they get to them, play relieves stress and provides an opportunity for children to work out their fears. Through careful observation and allowing the child to direct their own play, adults are given an opportunity to understand children better. When I became a parent, I remember being surprised to find that there was a purpose for toys that went beyond just having fun! It was very interesting for me to find out how much kids learn from toys, even from a very young age. They can learn cause and effect, reaching, grasping, a desire for mobility when they see something out of reach that they want - just to name a few.
Play begins at infancy through simple, solitary observation of the world. As the child’s cognitive and motor skills improve, he is able to interact more and more with both the objects and the people in his environment.
In the next stage of play, children begin playing independently. As Piaget says, they become “little scientists” and explore the world by learning cause and effect relationships. For example, they might drop a plate over and over again to see what happens - both the sound and movement that the plate makes as it hits the floor and also the caregiver’s reaction.
As children’s cognitive, social, and language skills improve, children first start to notice what other children are doing, and then they move into what is called “parallel play.” This means that the children are playing independently but next to each other. In this stage, they also start noticing other children (and adults) around them, observing them, and imitating their behavior.
Finally, children arrive at a stage where their play becomes more interactive. As their cognitive skills improve, children learn mental representation, which allows them to begin to pretend. First they participate in associative play by borrowing, lending, sharing, etc. They can also start to play cooperative or organized play such as games and shared goals (Cook et al., 2008).
“An expectant mother’s play can lower her stress levels and help lessen the discomforts of pregnancy, but that playfulness can also help preform the mind-set of the baby inside her.”
Excerpt From
Play
Stuart Brown, M.D. & Christopher Vaughan
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/play/id357998110?mt=11
This material may be protected by copyright.
Come back January 2nd after 2 PM to learn more about the January "Team Challenge."
How we respond to invitations to play impacts our family relationships. Check out this article from the Gottman Institute blog about responding to bids.
A chart representing ways that children use symbolic play at different ages, from the California Department of Education.
The Hanen Centre is a nonprofit organization from Canada that helps to promote language, social and literacy skills in young children.
Here the Hanen Centre presents a great article on the stages and importance of pretend play.
For more information on what executive functioning is, check out this article.
Resources:
©Lara Elfstrand, MA ECSE, IF-ATMHP - Little Elf Family Services, P.O. Box 5098, Auburn, CA 95604
