What does a good break look like?
Why take a break?
Stonewalling happens when we feel so overwhelmed or upset that we shut down. We become like a stone wall.
Statistically speaking, men are more likely to stonewall than women, and they tend to stay aroused for longer periods of time than women do. Inside their heads, they seem to be saying, "Just shut up. You'll only make it worse. She can't go on like this forever." What often happens in this situation is that the other person (typically the woman) feels abandoned, and pushes harder to get a response.
So why is it so important to make an agreement that it is OK to take a break? When we are upset and just fight it out, we say things that we regret or we make our partner feel abandoned by stonewalling. When we take a break to calm down before continuing the discussion, we can use our whole brains to think more clearly. We gain access to our sense of humor and affection with one another.
How do we know that breaks work? Dr. Gottman and his colleagues did research where they brought couples into the Love Lab and asked them to discuss a disagreement. "...They discovered that a 20-minute break in which couples stopped talking and just reading magazines (as their heart rates returned to baseline) dramatically changed the discussion so that people had access to their sense of humor and affection."
In the 2015 Networker Symposium, Julie Gottman presented her keynote, "What Works in Couples Therapy." In this clip from the presentation, Julie explains why partners get emotionally "flooded," and how this can be remedied. Did you enjoy this video? Check out more from the Gottmans at www.psychotherapynetworker.org.
Come back next Monday to learn more about what a good break looks like.
You can also check out this article from the Gottman website about the pursue-withdraw pattern.
Welcome to the "Take a Break" challenge
What to do if you complain without blaming but your partner still seems defensive?
The most important thing you can do to make your relationship work
When I teach Bringing Baby Home classes, I always give away plastic monsters. We use those monsters to represent our problems, and to remind us that we need to work together as a team to fight the monsters. If we let those monsters get between us, we end up fighting each other instead of fighting the problem.
For more thoughts on this, check out this short video from Dr. Gottman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUb5iCrSo8g
Accepting Responsibility: Andy Griffith style
What better way to learn about responsibility than to see it in action? Check out this excerpt from the Andy Griffith show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJjPni9V4EY
Accepting Responsibility: A Word from Will Smith
I love what Will Smith has to say about fault versus responsibility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-E9ag
Blaming is a way that we discharge anger
Welcome to the "Accepting Responsibility" Challenge
We are working on reducing the "4 Horsemen" from our relationships. In January we worked on identifying when we notice criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling in our relationships. In February we practiced the antidote to contempt: creating a culture of appreciation. In March we practiced the antidote to criticism: complaining without blaming. This month, instead of choosing blame and defensiveness, we are going to practice choosing responsibility and accountability.
"Next, we get down to the hard part. We each have to take some responsibility for our part in the fight. Nobody likes doing this. But when we do, the problem becomes our problem in communicating, and not the diabolical dealings of Lex Luthor, who, of course, is our partner, and not ourselves. Arguments are almost never one person's fault" (excerpt from John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman's book And Baby Makes Three, 2007, p. 109).
Clearly stating what we need
Once we are able to describe the problem without judging the other person, it is important that we are able to clearly tell the person what it is we need. If we can do that, we are giving them the tools that they need to meet our need. Describing our needs in clear terms opens the discussion about what may or may not be realistic. It can be hard to state our needs when we feel that we might be rejected, but it is the way to set ourselves up for success.
Being polite and appreciative
We all need to feel appreciated. When we say "please" and "thank you", we show respect to our partner and we are modeling good habits for our children. We can say "I really appreciate it when we do the dishes together. It makes me feel like I am part of a great team. Is there any way we can do the dishes together more often?"
Describing our feelings
One strategy for complaining without blaming is to talk about our own feelings rather than talking about the other person. If we don't know what we are feeling, it is probably safe to say that we feel "upset." Describing how we feel and how our children feel is a great way to increase children's awareness of feelings as well.
If you are looking for some help in describing how you feel, check out this feelings chart.
Using a softened start-up; making statements that start with "I"
According to research by Dr. John Gottman, the way that a conversation starts is often the way that it will end. Therefore, if we can phrase our complaints by stating our feelings and our needs, rather than attacking the other person, we are helping our partner to know how they can support us. We are less likely to seem critical when our statements start with "I" instead of "you." We can say something like "When... I feel... I need..."
Welcome to the "Complain without blaming" challenge!
This month we are focusing on the antidote to criticism: learning to complain about a problem without blaming or attacking the other person's character. Each Monday I will be posting ideas for how to do this well.
Check out this video from Dr. Julie Gottman about how to complain without blaming.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #4: Associate thankfulness with a daily ritual
One way that we can practice gratitude is to create gratitude rituals associated with a time of day. For example:
Mealtimes: We can make a routine at mealtimes to share what we are thankful for. When we do this, we increase our ratio of positives to negatives, we increase fondness and affection, and we get to know each other better.
Bedtimes: When we tuck our children into bed, we can take time to share what we are thankful for. When we get into bed, we can take 5 minutes to write down a few things we are thankful for in a journal.
Any other daily routine: We can think about what we are thankful for every time we brush our teeth. One of my gratitude rituals is to use my "Thankful" app when I get on the elliptical every morning.
Culture of appreciation practice #3: schedule it and breathe it
Another strategy that we can use to increase gratitude in our lives is to set an alarm or a daily event on our calendar that reminds us to stop and consider what we are thankful for. We could even consider adding an element of focused breathing... taking just one minute a day to breathe deeply and to think about what we are thankful for. We get extra credit for sharing what we are thankful for with another person when we are done!
"Culture of appreciation" practice #2: say it
Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to think about how we express our affection and thankfulness to the people that we care about. It's an opportunity to say, "I'm so thankful for who you are and for the joy that you bring to my life."
One way that we can do this on a regular basis is to use a strategy called "positive descriptive acknowledgements." We say something specific that the person did, with an adjective about how it describes the person, such as desired character trait or expectation. For example, to a child we might say "You took turns with your friend. That's friendly," or "You put away the dishes. That is helpful." We can even look at the behaviors that we don't want and look for opportunities to provide positive, descriptive acknowledgements when they do the opposite!
To our partner we might say, "Thank you for doing the dishes. That's really helpful, and it makes me feel like our family matters to you."
I am thankful for each of you who reads this.
More details on how to move from praise to positive, descriptive acknowledgment can be found here: https://cainclusion.org/teachingpyramid/materials/general/MovingFromPraisetoAcknowledgement.pdf
Find more strategies for acknowledging children here: http://childcarerrnc.org/secrets/folder/030303/StrategiesforAcknowledgingPositiveBehaviors120907829.pdf
Some classroom examples of providing positive, descriptive acknowledgement instead of saying "no" all the time: https://cainclusion.org/teachingpyramid/materials/classroom/TellMeWhatToDoInstead_ClassroomCA.pdf
This week's challenge: Make a plan for how you can regularly tell your loved ones and friends and even acquaintances what you are thankful for and what you like about them.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #3: journal it
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
"Culture of appreciation" practice #1: write it down
A great way to start this month of appreciation is to take time to write down what we are thankful for. We can do this in a few different ways, such as a gratitude journal and thank you notes or even "you rock" notes.
One way that we can create a culture of appreciation is to keep a gratitude journal. We can keep a gratitude journal near the dining room table, so that we can add to it as a family each day, or near the bed where we can reflect at the end of the day.
Even better is to create a note habit that can be shared with the people we are grateful for. We can write notes to loved ones to express gratitude, fondness, and affection for the ways that they have blessed us. We can make it a regular habit to write notes when people are helpful to us, or when they do things that we really appreciate. We can say what we are thankful for, and we can express why that person "rocks." This gives good feelings for both the giver and the receiver, and it increases the ratio of positives to negatives in our relationships.
This week's challenge: Write some nice Valentines to those that you care about. Be specific about things that the person has done that mean a lot to you, and why it means so much.
Welcome to the "culture of appreciation" challenge!
This month our challenge is to create a culture of appreciation in our homes and in our lives. Each Monday I will present ideas, and I encourage you to let me know what works for you!
Why focus on appreciation? Creating a culture of appreciation is the antidote for contempt, which is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships according to research by Dr. Gottman at the University of Seattle. When we fight contempt, we improve teamwork in our relationships. Appreciation also increases our ratio of positive to negative, which helps our partners and our children to be able to listen better.
Appreciation can help to improve children's behavior as well! It increases their ratio of positive to negative interactions. It puts them in a frame of mind that allows them to learn better. In addition, children's behavior is often a reflection of where we focus our attention. If we focus our attention on "stop that, don't do that!" then what we get back is often the things that we don't like! If we focus our attention on "You just traded. That was friendly," then we might just get back a child who knows what it means to be friendly and feels good for doing it.
As mentioned previously, Brene Brown found that practicing gratitude invites joy into our lives. So we are looking for a "tangible gratitude practice." Clearly you don't have to use all of these ideas.
Summary: The "culture of appreciation" challenge encourages us to find a tangible, consistent way to make appreciation a regular practice in our lives.
