As the marriage apocalypse warrior (also known as the awesome, differentiating, behavior-changing ninja), I help couples to fight against behaviors that predict the end: (left to right) contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.
Three of the top skills of a value driven professional—a person who excels in their workplace—are: they know how to de escalate drama; they know how to accept feedback as a gift, and they know the right way to engage in conflict (according to Donald Miller in his book Business Made Simple). And you know what? Those are skills that I teach in my coaching and in my Gottman Bringing Baby Home classes. They're also skills that make for a great parent and that help us to have a more peaceful, nurturing postpartum period.
📚 Uncover the surprising behaviors that could lead to relationship meltdown and discover why appreciation is a magical antidote.
A reading of A Day So Gray by Marie Lamba
Watch the video below for some relationship wisdom! #DivorceProofLove #AppreciationIsKey
This week, your mission if you choose to accept it is to use the Gottman Card Decks app to express appreciation for one another.
Instructions: "Build fondness and admiration by using these simple phrases as examples of things to thank your partner for. Or just scroll through and show your partner the screen if it's hard for you to express yourself out loud!"
I just can't enter the month of Thanksgiving without thinking about appreciation and gratitude. Your mission this week, if you choose to accept it, is to write someone a note of fondness, admiration, appreciation, and/or gratitude. For inspiration, consider this exercise.
Join us on Mondays in November for specific strategies to increase our gratitude practice.
According to the Gottmans' research, the way a conversation starts is likely the way that it will end. So if we start with criticism or contempt, we are likely to end with defensiveness or stonewalling. But if we start gently, we are more likely to have a productive conversation. Some keys to a gentle start-up include: expressing appreciation; making statements that start with "I", such as "I'm upset" or "I'm angry"; describing the facts of the situation; and clearly describing what we need. Check out this video from Julie Gottman to hear more.
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, the masters of relationship had 20 times more positive interactions than negative interactions during everyday interactions, and five times more positive than negative interactions during times of conflict. Our ratio of positive to negative interactions is strong when our relationships are full of fondness, affection, gratitude and humor. When we create rituals that build gratitude and affection for one another, we are putting our relationship in what Dr. Gottman calls “the positive perspective”. When our relationships are in the positive perspective, we are more able to hear our partner’s needs.
When expressing our needs, it can be helpful to include what we appreciate and what we admire about the other person. When we express that, we can help our partner be able to hear us.
When we are deeply entrenched in the negative perspective, or when our needs have been building up, it can be hard to stop and express appreciation. In his book Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes this pattern as “the crazy cycle.” He says that when a man feels disrespected, he responds without love. When a woman feels unloved, she responds without respect. He says that the one who considers him/herself more mature should be the one who takes the first step towards expressing love and respect.
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©Lara Elfstrand, MA ECSE, IF-ATMHP - Little Elf Family Services, P.O. Box 5098, Auburn, CA 95604
